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Friday, December 9, 2011

The Only Friend You Will Ever Need

I have been going through a really hard battle lately. The battle of loneliness, emptiness, and depression. I have felt so isolated, but it has really been on my mind to find a friend. I have friends, a lot of friends, but I don't have a friend like Jesus. You see I believe that Jesus is my friend, my very best friend, because He loves me even with all the ugliness in my life. He is there whenever I need Him. He patiently waits for me to turn to Him. In those moments of loneliness and sadness we tend to forget that we have someone to turn to. I had forgotten about this dear friend of mine until Wednesday. It is funny how God works in our lives. We think we just can't take anymore of this crazy world, we have had enough, we are at the end of our rope, and something miraculous happens. I was in the emergency room on Wednesday morning. I had the worst headache ever, I have been fighting depression and sadness and honestly just feeling sorry for myself. My nurse came in to see what was going on, and he casually asked if I was ready for Christmas. The thought of Christmas this year is almost unbearable. I told him that I was actually dreading Christmas, my daughter was not going to be with me I was going to be lonely. After he came in with my nice medicated shot he said, You know I know that you feel like you are going to be all alone this Christmas, but I hope you realize we are never ever alone. He took this paper towel and folded it in many directions and I was kinda of thinking in my head well it was nice that he said that but a paper airplane isn't going to make it feel any better. He gave me the paper towel now shaped as a house and said now you hold on to this house, you think it is all empty and lonely, but now open up the house and you will see that it is filled with something more. So I opened this paper towel house up and it was a big cross. He told me that I was not alone that God was going to be with me. Even though it hurt now, God was going to be with me. Just that realization meant so much to me that day. I have been studying about what God tells us about His friendship. I want to share that with you. I want to share that with anyone who wants to listen. Because I know that not everyone in this world is happy, joyous, and merry during this season of life. I know that there are other people out  there struggling just like I have been. So this is what I have learned.
A friend is an intimate companion or associate; one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Jesus tells us in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you."
He also says in John 15:12-14 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
These verses tell us that we are God's friends. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Isn't it great to know that we have a great friend in Jesus? I believe it is a great thing to know, but it also makes me think of what kind of friend I am to Him. God warns us that we can not be friends of this world and a friend to him. In James 4:4 it clearly tell us, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
Often times we get mad at God for things that we do to ourselves. We expect God to be our friend at all times. And He is our ONLY true friend that will love us any way we are. And if we have that knowledge that God accepts us just as we are, and that He is our friend, how much more could we be blessed if we acted and behaved as friends to God. Is what God calls us to do so hard that we just can't do it? I don't think so. I think that we are so involved in the world and our lives, that we just don't have time for God. This world is a lonely place to so many people. I think it is because they don't realize that they are not alone. They don't realize that God desires to have a close friendship with us.
 So how do we get that close relationship with God? First, we have to let go of the worldly things that are keeping us separate from God. We have to repent of sins in our life, we have to ask God to come back into our life and restore what we have messed up. We have to ask for a desire and fire to burn within us to seek him. Next, we have to make time for God. That means finding time to pray, study God's word, and listen to what He is trying to tell you. It means having a worship time with God. It means finding ways to surround yourself with Godly people that will encourage you. It means making your relationship with God a priority. I have learned that when I do this in my life, everything seems to fall into place. It is very hard to stay on track though, and that is where constant prayer comes into play. You see God knows everything about us, but what do you truly know about God. If we don't take the time to learn about Him, then how do we expect to be blessed? We need to fall in love with God and maintain that precious bond. There is not a single thing that we can do, have done or will do that God does not know about, but He desires for us to talk to Him about it, and acknowledge it and seek help and guidance with overcoming our worldly desires and the stinking sin in our lives. The final thing that I think God wants us to do, is to be a friend to others. Teach them about the wonderful relationship that is waiting for them. As I am writing this I have to honestly say I have not followed this myself. But God is working on me and has put this on my heart. I think it is because I have been so lonely and sad, and God is showing me that I can have peace and joy if I fully rely on Him for my needs. We have a responsibility as Christians to reach out to the world around us. We have the power to change one person's life by taking a moment to smile at them, give them a hug, or just listening to them. We have such an opportunity in this hurting, crazy world to show them a glimpse of God, to tell of His love, and give them the best gift they have ever received. I am ready to reconnect with my friend Jesus, are you?
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

I have found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.

He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.
He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tower;
I have all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His power.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.

He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessèd will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessèd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Because YOU loved me...

I have been very blessed to have people who love and care about me. People who have loved me when there wasn't much to love. People who have loved me when I couldn't love myself. People that have loved me enough to tell me the truth. People that have never given up on me. For some reason, God blessed me with family that continually gives me support and encouragement. People who see that this will be worth it when all is said and done. He has given me family that believes in me. And trust me having that family support is wonderful and great, but it just gets me thinking....if my family loves me and cares about me, how much more is the love of God.
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to  continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It is Complicated

It has been a long while since I took some time to keep you guys updated. I feel like if I am open and honest about everything going on in my life that I may disappoint you. And for some of you, you may think I am coming up with excuses. There are no excuses when you know you need to lose weight and be healthy, unless you have a food addiction.
 After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Finding Myself, Figuring It Out, and Depending on Faith

One would think that at my tender age of 32 I would have my life figured out. I don't. I will be the first to tell you that. But what I am finding out about myself may be able to touch a lot of people and help them to know they are not alone in this really crazy, scary world. At first this blog was meant to keep me accountable and to tell my weightloss tale. But now that I have messed up the weight loss tale part maybe it was meant to be more than that. I have been watching the A&E show "Heavy" on Netflix this week. It is another one of those great ,inspiring weight loss shows. It is a little different because they send people to a weight loss resort where they eat the right food, have trainers, have pyschologists, and they have everything that they need at their finger tips. And even some of these people, who have everything that they need right there, still fail. They still don't lose weight. They still have eating disorders. I know many people think that eating disorders are just like anorexia and bulimia, but there are many other disorders. You have food addicts, bingers, and people who eat just to eat. You have people that might have starved as children, so they horde food as adults. You have people that feel like they have no body so they use food as their friend, their comfort, their peace of mind, and their need fullfiller. To say that fat people just need to put down the fork and start moving will cure the obesity problem is ridiculous. The obesity problem is because people don't move as much as they should, they have unhealthy relationships with food, and because healthy food is so much more expensive than unhealthy food. Not to mention that all food is really expensive now anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is even though I have gained back 10 lbs. I have not failed yet.  The only way that I can fail is if I let the eating disorder thing that I have win. The only way I have failed is if I don't keep trying. So the Atkins thing did not work for me at this time in my life. I have to find something that will. I may need something more extensive. I need something that can make me accountable. I am strongly leaning towards Weight Watchers. I know it is expensive. But when I figure how much junk I buy on the side every week it equals out to about the 10 dollars a week I would be spending on junk. And like school if I am really paying for it I won't want to pay that much money and fail.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable  of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Never too late to get back up again...

Wow I have let myself down and I have let those I have inspired down. But I am not perfect and no one has ever had a perfect journey except Jesus. I have pretty much threw the towel in on the atkins diet. Now I know that it works on me and for me, but I also know that I don't have that much money in my food budget.  And I have to be honest and real with myself. I could have done it, but I don't know if I could have lived that way forever. I am just going to try the old fashioned way. Measure stuff, exercising, and see what happens. I wish that it would all just magically fall off, but I know that I didn't gain all this weight in a day and I am not going lose it all in a short period of time. So bear with me. Help me. Encourage me.
I have gained back 11 lbs so far. I really don't want to gain back anymore. Things have been so crazy it is no wonder I turned to food. But I know it isn't healthy to turn to food and I know better. Sometime I feel like it is all I have. Anyway I am taking medicine and going to bed I have an awful sinus infection and upper respiratory thing going on and it is hard to breathe. Just know that I need your support and guidance..

Friday, August 26, 2011

It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Cheated...

So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I  hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!


Here is my 34 lbs less pic!
I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Change is good...Right?

It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.

I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able  maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.

I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.

The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Well I have been busted a few times lately. People have called me out when I have been putting my mask up. I have talked about the mask before. The "I am ok" "put on my happy face" and the "everything is fine" mask. I am honestly going to tell you that right at the moment I do not feel that way. I do not feel hopeless or depressed, but I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel that there is so much going on in my life that I just need to breathe. This is what is going on, it is my life, and I am going to have to learn how to deal with the crazy life I have. I have to stop making excuses. I make excuses to not workout, I make excuses not to do stuff that I know needs to be done, and I make excuses to not take ownership of what happens in my life. I have made excuses to not get back where I need to be in the God department. This is where the diet and exercise thing gets complicated.
This week I found an excuse to closet eat. Now I haven't really had a problem with that since I turned this whole thing over to God. But as soon as I started to take on my emotions and feelings instead of turning it over to God, I ran to my good old friend food. Now I can say that it wasn't food that
I couldn't have, but a whole jar of olives, a bag of sugar free chocolate, and a beef stick was my friend and counselor that day.  It was just dumb stuff. I did catch what I was doing though and I haven't done it again.
As far as the weigh in goes I lost 1 lb. this week for a total of 33 lbs since June 1. Great things have happened because of this weight loss. A pair of my pants don't have to be unbuttoned to be removed...lol they can just pull on and off, my underwear keeps falling off my butt, and finally a towel can reach all the way around me. Granted it is a beach towel but still it isn't gaping open anymore. So I am proud of how far I have come, but I want to keep up the good work and not let anything get in the way.
I did get all the classes I need to apply for RN school in January. I will be taking a huge semester of microbiology, pathphysiology, nutrition, spanish and fitness walking. I am so scared about leaving my job and going back to school. I am scared about financial reasons, and just scared about not being able to do it. But I know that if I just trust God that He will take care of it. God is bigger than anything I have to face. He knows what is going to happen, and He know that we will make it through it if we just let Him do what He does. I pray that this week that I will stop making excuses and just depend upon God and His promises. He has such big plans for me and I just have to let Him mold me into what I should be.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hard Trials

***Disclaimer: This blog may contain things in it that are not meant to intentionally hurt anyone, blame anyone, or make anyone feel bad. This blog contains my feelings and my perception of what was said and/or done.*****

This week has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long while. I have been overwhelmed with the task at hand and at times not sure what to do. I guess you could say I felt quite helpless. So I am just going to lay it out.
Ugh this is going to be so random and rumbling that I hope it makes some sense.
Starting from last Thursday thru Sunday everything was going pretty good. I got in two C25K workouts in, was doing a mile in 17 min. and following my diet great. Early Monday morning my mom had an accident. She was getting up to go to the bathroom and fell at around 3:30 a.m.. She does not remember falling, so the doctors think that she had a seizure. It took us a long time to get her up. And after we did she was in so much pain. I wanted to take her to the ER but she refused. I finally got her settled down about 4:30 a.m. She decided that around 7:00 am that she probably should go into the ER and we got her there. They did lots of tests and needless to say she spent until Thursday in the hospital. She had a slight concussion, UTI, and what looks like a seizure disorder. They also did testing on her heart and her diabetes got way out of control. My mom is one of the toughest ladies I know. She can tolerate pain, she walked on a broken leg for three days and didn't know it was broken, but she was in so much pain that she was crying. She still is in that kind of pain. It really hurts me and makes me feel so very helpless when she is in that kind of pain. I realized that this week our roles have reversed a little bit. I know when I was growing up she took care of me, held me when I was hurting, consoled me, made my hurts better, wiped my butt, gave me baths, and loved me regardless. It seems like now it is my turn to take care of her. I know that I have done that for a while, but it is at a new level. I would do anything for my momma. She is my best friend. I have a very special relationship with her as we have had each other's backs for awhile now. Honestly I am scared. I am fully aware that her health is declining. I know that one of these days she isn't going to be here anymore. It hurts me, scares me, and makes me think. I want her to have the best that life can give her right now. I want her to be happy and in no pain. I want her to be taken care of all the time.
This being said it has been a very emotional time for me this week. I have not worked out at all this week, unless you count pulling my momma up and down to help her to the bathroom or adjusting her in bed or if you count walking from the parking lot to the hospital room. I have followed my diet pretty much but unintentionally cheated on Tuesday when I at a small bag of cashews. I can have nuts but I didn't realize that those had 14 carbs in them. I weighed in on Wednesday and lost 5 lbs this week and made my first goal. I know that I was excited to make my goal, but I really didn't relish in it because my mind was on other things. I did cut my hair like I said I would and I like it. It is way different and short but I love it. I got the news about my financial aid this week, which did brighten my day because I was very worried about it.  I did get it so I will definitely be going to school in the fall. Things are changing so fast it is scary but God has been with me, will continue to be with me and HE has it all under control. He has taken care of my momma this week, taken care of my financial aid woes, helped me through the temptation of closet and emotional eating, and also blessed me with an unspoken need. God is faithful and I am thankful.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Woman in the Mirror

That woman is enormous. That woman has rolls and rolls of flab. That woman will never be thin. That woman is ugly. That woman is in my head. That woman is probably in your head too. That woman does not discriminate. That woman doesn't care if you are black or white, short or tall, thin or fat, or ugly or pretty. She wants you to feel that you are not acceptable. She wants to rule over your thoughts and your body image so you feel that you will never be good enough.
Are we ever good enough? I guess it depends on who you want to be good enough for. If we want to be good enough for this world, we will probably never measure up. If we want to be good enough for God then we are already there. He takes us, accepts us, and loves us just as we are. And you know the great thing about it? He makes us more beautiful, more radiant, more loved and accepted than anyone in this world can. But He can't do that if we won't let Him. We have to accept who we are, who we have been, and who we can become. This has been on my mind a lot this week. I think mostly for innocent reasons. Maybe because I didn't realize how big I really was. Maybe because I miss sized a couple of my friends (sorry didn't mean to offend you) and maybe because I don't like mirrors and I have to look in one when I am working out. Have you been brave enough to look in the mirror? I mean really look in the mirror? I have a couple of times this week. Do I like what I see? Well it depends on what I am looking at. I have lost inches and pounds with my changed life and I do like to see that things are getting smaller. But I don't like that feeling that no matter what I lose I am not a pretty girl. I am pretty plain Jane. I am pasty and freckly. And I am balding. I wonder if I can ever get this shell of mine to match this beautiful person locked inside of me. The answer lies in how hard I want to work. The beauty that I want comes from God.  And though I haven't meant to, I have gotten wrapped up in changing my life without His help. I know that I need Him to do anything and I must work on that relationship before anything will work in my life.
So I lost 4 lbs this week for a total of 27 lbs in 7 weeks. I am 3 lbs away from my first goal. It is very exciting for me, but at the same time I know I slacked off in the couch to 5k thing this past week. I was very discouraged during the first workout of week 3 when I couldn't run the 3 min parts without stopping and breathing. I didn't go back again for 6 days. When I did I could run the first 3 min through and the second 3 mins. I had to stop and breathe. I was frustrated. But I am not giving up on this. This is something I have always wanted to do. And yes I make excuses and I get out of it. Just keep on me Mom. Annoy me make me mad, because that is what I need. I need to work on this. This week I have a new goal. I am going to do three c to 5k workouts, read my Bible everyday, and track my food. Please hold me accountable.
If that woman is bothering you, tell her to shut up! That through God you are beautiful. As a matter of fact there will never be a more beautiful you.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Time for Change...

All I can say about this week is WOW! Last week I gained six pounds and was a little bit down about it, but as I figured I was retaining a lot of water. My doctor did decide to increase that medication so I would not be retaining much water. Also now since I am on week 3 of the c25k my legs are getting used to the running and don't seem near as sore (thus the inflammation and swelling is gone too). So I lost a total of 7 lbs this week. My six week total is 23 lbs. I weighed in on Monday and I was down to 278 but today I weighed 279. And I am OK with that. This journey is not always easy, I have seen some people try and give up, I have inspired people to try it out, and I have remained strong through many temptations.
The exercise amazes me. I have never really pushed my body the way I have been. Honestly the training is so intense for me because I am such a big chick. I sweat profusely. And this week is very hard because I have to run 3 minutes straight. Last night was my first training like that and I did try it but during my 3 min run I had to stop and breathe for about 30 seconds but I made it through the work out. I did a mile in 18:13 min. and I did 1.64 miles in 28 min. My time seems to improve every workout. It helps to have upbeat music and no interruptions. I am really looking forward to doing the Archer City Shortgrass Scamper in September and Race for the Cure in October. I have always wanted to be the runner instead of the walker and hopefully this year is the year to make it happen.
Not only has my lifestyle taken a change, but I am about to take a HUGE leap of faith in my life. I have decided to go back to college for my RN degree. What this means for me is the opportunity to make my life and my daughter's life better. It also gives me a chance to make this world a better place. My goal is to be a patient educator. I want to help people learn to control their illnesses and help them with their diets. This also mean that I have to leave a job that I love, and a family of friends and coworkers that I have been blessed to have for five years. It is a very heartbreaking situation for me. I do not like change, and I do not like uncertainty. Yesterday I was very upset about this change. I was fearful about not knowing what I was going to do, where I was going to get money to make it by and how I was supposed to everything that I needed to do. But today I have had peace about it. I know that God has this all under control. I also know that I am not saying goodbye to my friends and coworker family, I am just saying see ya soon. I know that they are all proud of me, that they believe in me, and that they will always be there for me.
This is all I got in me today. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ouch!!

Well it wasn't good news for me, I stepped on the scale this morning anticipating to be in the 270's, but to my disappointment I had gained 6 lbs!  Now I am not going to say I was devastated...I was sad.  Sad that even though I haven't cheated at all, and I have been faithfully doing my couch to 5k program that I still gained the weight. Now logically speaking I am quite sure it is water retention. I read up on it. I read that when you are exercising your muscles get inflamed and cause swelling. Excessive heat causes swelling and water retention and honestly I have always had a problem with it. So hopefully next week I will lose!!
I know my mentality is changing. When I get on that treadmill to do my workout (this week it is walk 5 min, jog 1 min and 30 seconds, walk 2 min. repeat x6 and then 5 min cool down) I am so unsure of myself and my ability, but by the end of the work out I feel like I can conquer anything! Another change that I have noticed is that I can say no to myself. Today I was feeling a little bummed about the weight gain and my inner chick tried to convince me I would feel better if I had chocolate. I deserved the chocolate, I already gained six pounds what was a little chocolate going to hurt. Really sometimes I think I am crazy. I am standing in the store talking to myself (in my head I hope) and finally say just because I gained weight doesn't mean I need to cheat. I will just feel guilty if I do cheat and by cheating I am erasing all the hard work and effort I have already put in. I know it sounds crazy, but that has always been hard for me. I have always been able to come up with an excuse to not continue on and you have no idea how thrilled I am that I won that battle today. God is definitely working in me. A friend loaned me a wonderful book called "made to crave". That book has shown me a totally different outlook on food and that God can help us with all things.
Some people really do have a food addiction. I have a food addiction. I use food in ways that I know are wrong. I have a closet eating problem too. But I have gotten so much better about that. I don't feel hungry between meals now so I really don't have that problem anymore. But I do remember that the worse it got was digging food out of the trash can because it didn't need to be wasted. I hate that people waste food. It isn't like I am starving to death or anything. But food is very precious to me. Maybe it is because to some people it is a luxury. If we only knew how many people really didn't have food to eat in America we would be ashamed to waste food like we do. By using food in the wrong way, we end up exactly where I am, battling the long battle of weight loss. But admitting you have a problem and trying to do something to change it is what matters. You can't sit back and expect the skinny fair to wave her wand over you! You got to pull those big girl panties up, and be ready to commit yourself to the hardest thing you will ever do. Find a healthy eating program and get to moving! Now is your time!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Woo Hoo!

I have always been a fat chick. Now a long time ago I was skinny but I don't really remember what that felt like. I was thin up until the great third grade year. So I do consider myself to be big most of my life. I remember those years in elementary P.E. when we had to run a mile. I was the biggest girl and of course I took the longest time. The whole class was either cheering me on or making fun of me. I remembered tonight that those miles took me anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. Tonight I broke that record!  Tonight I ran/walked a mile in 19:24 seconds! Oh my was I so proud. To think that all these years I never could do something and now with the power of Jesus I can.
To be quite honest I did not want to go to the gym tonight. I had a headache and was nauseous. When I came home from work I laid down and took a nap. Got up and cooked dinner and I kept saying to myself ...ughhh I don't want to go...I really don't have to...I worked hard this week I could let it go...but the stronger voice said "Stop making dumb excuses and just do it!" I am so thankful that I did. Not only do I feel amazing, I can honestly say I am proud of myself.
Now the skinny people in the gym thought I was crazy so they left. I guess jiggly fat scared them, but at least I wasn't on the couch downing some bon bons. Before I would have just left the gym until I was alone but I got on that treadmill. And my numbers keep improving every time.
I am going to leave you with this quote:
"Listen closely: the only time it's too late to change yourself is when you are dead. Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I can do all things...

Well it is yet again weigh-in Wednesday. It is my fourth week and I am happy to report I lost 2lbs this past week. For a grand total of 20 lbs. Since this is my blog and one of the reasons I have it is to sort out my feeling and to express what I feel inside, I am feeling very discouraged right now. Now I know losing 2 lbs is nothing to complain about. I guess I am just overwhelmed by the fact that I have such a long journey. I have 135 lbs to lose. I have only lost 3% of my body weight. And when I look at it that way it is very depressing. I understand completely that I did not gain this weight over night and I know that it isn't going to melt away immediately.
 I am dealing with a lot of feelings deep inside this week. I feel very lonely, sad, disappointed and overwhelmed on the inside...on the outside I appear happy. I know that some of this is because of having a hysterectomy and the whole hormone thing. Part of it is because of finances, some of it is because of my own stupidity, and some is because I really am lonely. Now I know that God is here. I guess for the longest time I just felt that I was talking to the air. But when I went to Him and asked him for help to help me control my food addiction He was there. I think that I am just going to have to ask Him for help curing the loneliness I feel deep inside. It isn't like I am alone. I have a great group of supporters out there. And I have good friends and family that love me and support me no matter what. So don't think I am discounting you. This lonely feeling is just something I have been feeling for awhile now. And if you think about it, I am not a normal 32 year old woman. I have been blessed by being able to help care for my mom and my nephew. I have a beautiful daughter. I have a lot of responsibility. That is OK. I accept that and I embrace it. I am blessed to have my mom for my very best friend. There are not a lot of people that can say that. I love my momma so much. I am so very thankful for her. She has taught me to be strong and to depend on God. She has tried to instill in me that I am beautiful and I deserve so much more than  what I settle for. She has always encouraged me to keep on going. However, when something happens to her I am pretty certain that I will be lost without her. I won't have anybody else like her. That scares me. If I am already feeling lonely and she is still here what I am going to be like then! I think part of it is because I have tried to be strong and be the rock for everyone else and I am just missing my rock. I am missing my other half. And to be honest I am starting to embrace the whole single life thing, but my heart's desire is to find my soul mate. Wow has this blog changed!! Like I said emotionally I am weak and just had to get some of it out.
This week I have learned that I can do all things through Christ. Training for a 5k, dieting, and giving Jesus all my cares and worries...everything is going to be alright. With Him by my side I have lost 20lbs in 4 weeks and I am well on my way to that enormous goal...I just have to keep my eyes on the prize.....

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I did it!!

I have been putting off what I did today for a long, long time. I have used every single excuse to not do it. But today I, as Michael Jordan said, "Just did it!" I know it is humorous but to this big girl getting on the treadmill is not fun. One time, a long time ago, when I worked out at Fit N Slender, I did a work out on the treadmill and blacked out afterwards. After that the treadmill has scared me. But today I had to either deal with the crazy hot sun or the treadmill. My choice the treadmill.
Now one of my goals is to run a 5k. I plan to do one in September and one in October. So I figured I better start the training now. I have procrastinated about a week now and this morning I told myself I was going to start. I didn't really want to. I had tons of negative feelings about it. I was thinking my fat is going to jiggle, I am going to sweat profusely, I am going to huff and puff, and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I am doing the couch to 5k training thing. The first week you have to determine if you can walk three times a week for thirty minutes. I can do that. This week I have to walk for a warm up 5 min jog/run for a minute, walk a minute and 30 seconds (six intervals) and then a 5 min cool down walk. Seems those minutes of jogging went by fast except for interval 5 and 6...everything that I thought would happen (IE: jiggling fat, huffing and puffing, sweating profusely) happened except I did do it! It felt amazing. I may be weird but I loved the feeling of sweat pouring off me, I loved drinking two bottles of water while huffing and puffing and I loved that I did it, finally.
Actually I should say that God gave me the strength to do something I had serious doubts about. This is a journey and I know that there will be speed bumps, but I also know there is nothing that I can not do through Jesus Christ.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Week 3 Done...Butterfly

Things are getting a little harder. Week three was very hard for me because I was short on money thus being short on groceries. Meaning that I had to eat stuff that I usually wouldn't eat, but I did not stray from my diet. It seems like I have had a lot of cravings this week. I wanted chocolate really really bad. I am not sure if it was because they kept showing the dove chocolate commercials while I was watching the Nora Roberts' movie marathon or if my body really wanted it. Either way I did not get chocolate. I made it through that big temptation okay.
I made a new recipe this week and it was super yummy. I had low carb salmon patties. I used onion, two pouches of salmon, egg, lemon pepper seasoning, and used crushed up pork rinds for the binder. I mixed it all together and made patties and cooked them in butter. They were so good!!
I managed to lose 6 lbs this week. I was very excited that I lost that much. It is a great momentum to keep it up. I have lost 18lbs so far. I have been trying to figure out a little bit of a reward system to reward myself with something when I lose weight. I have decided that when I lose 30 lbs I am going to get my hair cut. When I lose 50 lbs. I am going to buy new scrub pants. I figure by then I can come up with more rewards but I am just trying to focus on the short term goals for now.
 I have really been slacking in the exercise area. Please continue to stay on me about it. I am wanting to train for a 5k in September and one in October. I need to get started now. I am thinking that if I start training on the treadmill indoors then I can move outdoors in the last month or so. I am not sure that would be good but I do know that it is really too hot to run in the evening now. I did manage to get some exercise in the week though. I walked for two miles on Saturday and went to Castaway Cove yesterday. I swear we went around the lazy river a million times!! Walked up the stairs twice to get on the water slides. Walked a lot yesterday. I know I am feeling better overall, but my energy isn't quite where I want it to be.
It seems that I have been inspiring others to try out this diet. I think that is great, but I want everyone to know that I am not trying to get any glory for this. I know that I prayed that God would help me and that is exactly what He is doing. I know that for many of us big women it is hard to look at ourselves and find something to love. Seems all we seem to see is a big, fat blob. I often times have caught myself feeling this way. I personally  don't love the way I look, but I know inside of me there is a beautiful butterfly wanting to come out. I am beautiful on the inside. It has taken me a long time to realize this. So many times as women we try to define ourselves by our body size, our skin color, curly hair, straight hair, tan, pale or any other things that we choose to pick on ourselves about. God did not make trash, or blobs for that matter. He made people in his image...can you imagine God being a blob? Nope me either. I imagine Him being the most beautiful being in the galaxy. So we should be mindful that we are made in God's own image. That He didn't make junk. And no matter what people say about you, you have the potential to be a beautiful being on the inside and out. It isn't an easy accomplishment to lose weight, or to improve your health. I have heard some say it is the hardest thing that you will ever do is to lose weight and keep it off. So far my journey is on a good start. Thank you so much for your support! Thanks for holding me accountable too! You have no idea how much it means to me.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Week 2 Done On to Week 3

So Wednesday marked the end of week two for me and weigh in day. Was very ready for weigh in day because I just knew I had done well this week. I lost 4 lbs. I weighed right at 290.4. I wanted to be in the 280's so I was a bit disappointed. But was so very blessed that God has continued to be with me during this journey. I am also surrounded by a great support group who has really helped me stay on track. So I cheated again with the weighing issue and weighed again on Friday. I had lost two pounds and was in the numbers I wanted to be in for the week(288). I was so happy.
I really want this to be a change. I know some people don't understand why it is so important to me. But even having the stressful week that I had, I did not one time use food for comfort. I prayed and complained to a bunch of people but I did not keep those feelings inside. I think that was the difference. I try to keep it in and I use food as a way to let it out. It is important to me to get this weight off because it is something that I can do for myself. Something that I am in control of. It is also going to benefit all of those around me. When I feel better, and have more energy then I can give my best to everyone. I am not trying to lose weight to get a man or for vanity purposes, but I just want to be healthy.
I had an exciting workout the other night at my friend's house. We played Just Dance II on the Wii! I have to get that game soon! I loved it. Even though I felt like a big dork, it was fun and got me sweating. I guess it took my place of my walking workout. Didn't do any exercise yesterday because I was not feeling well. I promised the kids that we would go walking by the river today. We did do that and I think I have experienced heat exhaustion! It was a very beautiful trail. Got to see some awesome birds. I am thinking I might need to train for my 5k indoors until it cools down though! Or maybe will have to get up early in the morning and train outside. Since I now know I can walk for an hour in the blazing hot Texas heat I can skip ahead to the walk a minute, jog a minute week! Just wanted to give you all an update! It is going good! God is with me and will see me through this as long as I continue to pray and follow his plan!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Emotions

Today was a really hard day for me. I had to fight the urge to weigh in all day long. I went by the scale at work at least five or six times. A couple of times I even took all the stuff out of my scrub pockets and then went to weigh but turned around. I know that I may or may not be disappointed when weighing. I mean it is really good encouragement to see your weight change in just a matter of days, but I also know that I will be upset if that scale doesn't move down some. Finally I just couldn't help myself anymore and weighed when I got off work. The results were I was down a few ounces. I was not disappointed in losing the ounces, I was disappointed that I gave in to this dumb temptation. If I can't even keep myself from the scale am I really going to be able to fight off the bigger temptations? Am I going to be strong enough to keep on with my journey? I really don't have a choice. It is to the point that if I want to live and be a good mother and role model I have to get this weight off.
Really I don't think that people see us fat people the right way. I think we are all kind of bunched into a group of lazy people that eat fifty million calories a day. It isn't fair. I will admit though that I am not as active as I should be. But I am not as active because it takes so much out of me to get through the day. Really if you don't know what is like being fat, don't judge us for being lazy. You try carrying around an extra person all day! That is what I do! And what really bothers me is that no matter what you are doing to better yourself there is going to be someone judging you. There will be one person saying "what you are doing isn't healthy", or "I don't know how you do it because I couldn't go without that food", or "you are going to ruin your kidneys". The last one is the kicker for me. Do you really think that I am going to ruin my kidneys because I am not eating a million carbs a day? Um I don't think so. It isn't like I am on the all you can eat protein plan!! I eat a lot and I do mean a lot of vegetables! A lot of eggs. And yes I do eat protein, but not to the extreme. Both of my parents have renal disease I am not stupid. I wouldn't jeopardize my kidneys to be smaller. I have lived almost my whole life fat. From third grade thru now. I have went through so much being a fat woman. First of all people are always staring and judging you for being big. Second, you get made fun of for being that fat person. I had alot of that during school, but to this day one of the most traumatic experiences for me was in fifth grade getting the valentine card that wasn't addressed to me, but addressed to a picture of a cow. After awhile you hear that you are fat and ugly so often you just believe that is what you are. And for many years I believed that I was fat and ugly. I believed that I wasn't worth anything. Third thing I have dealt with is men. Men think that fat girls are so desperate to have one that they will do anything to be with one. And yes I have been that desperate girl before, but finally I caught on to that. I realized that God made me into the woman that I am. I realized that I am not defined by this shell on the outside but on the spirit within. I am worth a chance. God has given me this chance to change. He has changed the inside. He has healed that broken spirit. He is going to see me through this journey. He is the reason I am writing this down. I was having a bad day. Feeling discouraged and down about giving into to temptation. Now I just realize that I just needed to call on Jesus. He has blessed me with an ability to share some of this stuff that is really hard to talk about. He knows I need to let it go, I know I need to let it go.  In order to move on I have to let this little fat, scared, sad, and hopeless girl go! I have to become the confident, full of life woman I am meant to be. Thank you Lord for the revelation! Thank you for this blog and telling me that is what it is here for. Sorry, you all who are reading this are going to get to know the real, raw me.  Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Week One Done

So I made it!!! I made it through the first week and suprisingly I had no cravings!! Though I know I did a few things wrong. The biggest thing is weighing myself too much. I weighed in last Wednesday, then Friday, again Monday, Tuesday, and today. That is why I was disappointed when I stepped off the scale about five times today. I have absoluetly nothing to be disappointed with. I lost 8 lbs my first week. But I was disappointed because the scale didn't move from yesterday. So I have vowed to only weigh once a week. I have some great coworkers that are going to make me keep that vow!! I also ate peanuts before I was supposed to but that is an easy fix.
For all you dieters out there I want to discuss a thing or two with you. I have been there, I have tried every weird diet and shake, and to be honest I just had to find something that I liked to eat. I chose Atkins because it is the food that I like to eat. I am not saying that I don't miss the carbs, but I am saying it isn't overly restrictive to me because I like the food options I have. So I recommend trying what is out there. There are a few places that you can go to and enter the kind of food you like and they will give you a diet you can use according to your taste.
 And don't give up. If you really need to lose weight don't give up on yourself. I know it is disappointing to do everything that you know how to do and not see the scale move. Or worse to gain weight when you are sure that you ate well. It is frustrating. I have a friend going through this right now, and I know she is trying and eating like she is supposed to the scale just isn't moving. Honestly the whole dieting thing is an emotional rollercoaster. When you lose weight you are very excited and thrilled. When you stay the same or gain it is depressing. Make sure to surround yourself with encouraging people. People that understand what you are going through, that will listen to you, and people that will hold you accountable. Like I said before, if losing weight was so easy there wouldn't be an obesity problem.
I am happy with my 8 lb weight loss, even knowing that a major part of it is water weight. This is going to be a long journey to go. I have 142 more lbs to go!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Five days in...

So since this is my weight loss journey and I am so serious about this, I have decided to blog about it. I know that it may not be very interesting to some, but I am sure one day that I will look back and be able to see how far I have come.

To be frank and honest about the whole thing, I have been fat most of my life. How does one stop being fat? Go on a diet, exercise, simple right? Well if it is that simple then why are there fat people in this world? Well for starters most fat people eat for reasons other than to fuel their body. Some eat because of emotional issues, some eat because they are bored and some people eat because the food is there. Some fat people are fat because they can not afford the "healthy" food. And this is a major concern for me as I am a single mom and have to think about me and my child. Food is expensive, especially fresh fruits and vegtables. Some are fat because of medical reasons. But out of all the fat people I know, I don't believe that it is a choice. I don't believe that they wake up and say "oh, how I love my fat". I think that as the obesity rate climbs maybe it is because people aren't as active as we once had to be, maybe it is the food thing, but the biggest thing I see is how people eat all this CONVENIENCE food. It is faster and easier...not necessarily cheaper though. Anyway my point is that I have been fat most of my life and I didn't always want to be. I have had other issues blocking me from losing weight, and quite honestly I thought eating and food was more important than me. Yes, I did say that. Sounds dumb doesn't it? To say that tostino's pizza was more important than living an extra thirty minutes is a little stupid right? Not in the mind of this fat girl. What I feel is that emotional attachment to food. Food is there for you, it was my very best friend. You have to have it. It is almost everywhere. We use it to celebrate, grieve, comfort, and to take the place of a void in our lives. At least I have and I did. For a long time I have tried to figure out why I just can't follow through with my healthy living goals. But I finally figured it out. I was trying to do this alone. I can't do it alone. I can't cut myself off of my best friend without having a replacement. My priorities were out of order. You see, instead of celebrating, confiding, grieving, and comforting myself with food, I should have been doing that with my Lord and Savior Jesus. I have prayed to God that He will help me conquer this battle once and for all.

Five days in I can say that He has been there every step of the way.

Five days ago I decided enough is enough. I started the low carb lifestyle. I don't want to say diet because I really want a change. I don't want to go back to where I have came from or where I have been. This is my chance to make it. I have already made a new recipe for egg muffins. I have made it through a weekend of temptations. I started out on June 1, 2011 weighing in at 302 lbs and today June 6, 2011 I weighed 295.6. I am very excited and thrilled. And if you are interested in starting the low carb journey you should check out www.atkins.com because they will send you a weight loss kit for free. It comes with coupons, samples of their bars (free but not so tasty), information on the diet and carb counters. I am off for now but hopefully you can keep up with this journey. I hope to inspire you. I hope to make you understand a fat woman's prospective. I hope this change is a lasting change.