Lies I tell myself...

Single parenting is hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, financially, and no one understands unless that have been there. I am learning that I have probably not been the best parent to my child because of all the emotional baggage I carried around from my relationship with her father. My self esteem and self worth have been very low, and I don't want my daughter to deal with those issues. I want her to have a happy, healthy relationship with both of her parents. I want her to not feel like she is in the middle. I don't want her to worry about hurting one of us, if she likes the other one. But most of all, I want her parents to work together to provide her with stability. I want us to have the same rules. I want her to know she is loved by both parents. I just do not know how to make that happen.

It started on Wednesday. I was looking at the baby section of the store trying to find a baby outfit for Abby to give her baby brother. Using her allowance money, she wanted to get her new brother something special. That is when I started re-living my past. That is where the root of envy began. That is where I threw everything that I know is true and right about myself out the window. 

You see I could tell you over and over again that I wasn't jealous of Abby's dad and girlfriend, I could say it didn't hurt, and I could say that it is their life it doesn't affect me. But every single bit of those statements were a big lie. I did realize (today in fact), that I was envious of Abby's dad and girlfriend. For one they just had a baby, and I can never have another one. Another reason, they have each other to raise a baby with, they are not doing it on their own. And probably the reason that really bothers me the most is why wasn't I good enough to stay with when I had his baby? He never gave us a chance. And because I don't have an answer to that question I think that I will wonder about it until I realize that the problem was not with me, it was with him. I was really excited for Abby's dad and his girlfriend to find out about parenting. Thinking finally he will see what I went through by myself. But now I know he won't ever realize it because he has someone helping him!

The baggage that I decided to pick back up brought all that pain and hurt to the surface again. Part of me is truly scared that Abby will want to leave me to live with her dad because he has a normal family. They have the money, the house, the cars, the material things and I just have me. I have struggled since I have had her to do the best for her that I can, but I can't give her what they can. Another part of me knows that she loves me and she is learning how to love others because of what I have taught her. She knows that even if we don't have much, we have each other. She knows that she has a mom who isn't afraid to act silly, play barbies, and spend time with her. She sees me as her momma. She doesn't feel the same way about her dad. She is afraid of him.

 Another piece of that baggage, is the way I feel about me. I have cried and sobbed wondering why I wasn't good enough to be loved.  Why at 34 years old I have never been in a realtionship where I was "in love". I have been in relationships where I loved someone, but not in a relationship where they loved me back. I don't know what that feels like. I don't understand why so many other people find it and give up on it, and people like me never get it. I am beginning to understand that in order to be loved, you have to open yourself up and accept it. There is no greater love than the love of God. I want to start focusing on who I am in Him, and the love that He has for me. God doesn't want me to hate myself. God doesn't want me to envy others. God wants me to give Him those heavy burdens. He wants me for me, just as I am. He loves me warts and all. 

It seems that as I try to draw nearer to God, Satan tries throw this stuff in my face. One day I will be strong enough to say I am done with heavy load. You can have it. Me and God have something bigger and better. 

The Investment of a Lifetime

For the longest time I have only been able to see the struggle of life. You know the struggle of making it through each day, the Monday morning wake ups, the kids fighting,and arguing about what to have for dinner. Sometimes it was just a struggle to keep one foot in front of the other. Some days you are ready to give up and other days they are just great. But it is all part of the battle of life. 
I have been a Christian since I was 15 years old. And I have been a backslider for many years. I wasted so much time trying to be something and someone that God knew I couldn't be. I am not sure why things work as they do, but God knows. I am not sure why until about two months ago I didn't realize that God through Jesus has forgiven me for everything in my past, all my sins now, and all the sins I have yet to commit. God knows that His son was the only perfect person. He desires for me to strive to be like His precious son, but knows that I will fall short. But the biggest thing that I didn't realize 19 years ago was that every single day I have to make the commitment to follow Jesus. I have to make the time to seek His face. I can't just say that I am a Christian and go on my merry little way doing whatever I want. Trust me it didn't work well for me!! So I am learning as I invest my time in Him, that the struggle isn't quite as hard. I have joy and peace that I haven't had in a long time.
Not only spiritually, but God has made me strong physically. I have physically done things that I didn't know I was capable of, but the way I made it through was by praying for the strength. I have a long ways to go both in my spiritual life and physical life, but now I know that as long as I am investing in the right things (God, reading the word, prayer) God will take care of the rest. 
I encourage you if you are struggling with life, to just let go of that burden. Invest your energy into not carrying around the burdens of life,but to telling God about those burdens. Turn them over to the one that can do something about it. Remember if there is nothing you can do about it, then don't worry about it. Give it to God and pray for peace. And no matter how tempted you are do not take it back and start worrying about it again. God tells us to come to Him when we are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest. That is the truth my friends. Invest your time and energy in God and see what He can do. I guarantee it is the best investment you will ever make! 

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14

One Way Road

The other day I had a thought cross through my mind. Being the stubborn, hard headed person that I can sometimes be, I have found myself traveling down a one way road the wrong way. I have not listened when others tried to tell me you might want to turn around now. You see when I took a poll of my Facebook friends I found out that everyone would rather be told to turn around than to have a head on collision. But if it were not a literal road that you were driving on, but a spiritual road would the answer be the same?
I have only literally driven down a one way road one time. My best friend was with me and we couldn't quite figure out why cars were waving at us and honking and then it clicked in my head I must be going the wrong way. However, spiritually I have been going down the road the wrong way, have been on the wrong road, and ended up in the wrong place, too many times. Too many times I did not listen to the warnings that friends, families, and even God tried to give me. I believe that I didn't listen because I might have felt they were judging me instead of loving me, because I am one of those people that has to do it myself to find out if it hurts (not so much anymore), and because I was rebelling. 
Matthew 7:13-14 states:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Looks like we have a narrow road, and a wide road. I feel like many people Christians and non-Christians find themselves on that wide road. We want to be loving and accepting, but we also want to stand up for injustice. We want to go to church, but as long as we teach about how good we are and hear no gloom and doom. We want to leave church every Sunday for our weekly dose of God and hope it lasts throughout the week. We want God in our lives, but only when it is convenient or when we need something. We can give God two hours a week, but not a piece of our time every day. I am guilty of this. I miss the days of conviction in church. I miss preachers that aren't afraid to tell the truth. The truth hurts! Love sometimes hurts, too. I can't live thinking that no matter what I do everything is going to be nice and peachy with God. It isn't okay. I am grateful and thankful that I have God in my life, that I have accepted him as my Savior, and I know that He has forgiven me for my sins, but I look out into a world that thinks that everything is alright. I am trying to warn people about the wrong way. But my example has not been perfect. According to those who don't believe I am a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites. 
Isaiah 59:8 states:
"The way of peace they do not know; there is no justice in their paths. They have turned them into crooked roads; no one who walks among them will know peace."
Our world is a scary place to be. It looks like we will never have peace. Thankfully if you have Jesus in your life you will know some peace. You have hope for an eternal future. But if not you will be dealing with the turmoil and fear from now on. Don't ignore the warning signs. Listen to your family and friends. Be accountable to one another. If you see your friend straying try to bring them back in. And constantly pray for this world we live in and the people who are in it. Lord knows we all need a fresh start!!