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Thursday, November 22, 2012

If it were only...

I know today is Thanksgiving. I know I have a ton to be thankful for. Throughout this day though I have focused on where I thought I would be. I have had a little pity party. I have a little depression going on. I know that there are people who have it way worse off than me, but I know a whole lot of people who have it better.
 In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Seeking

I had it on my heart to write tonight. I wasn't sure what the topic could be about. Just random thoughts but then it hit me. How when I was a child, I wanted to be grow up so fast. And how when I first became God's child, I grew up too fast. You see when I first met Jesus I was fifteen years old. I asked my mom one day why we didn't ever go to church. And I asked if we could go. That was just the beginning. I am not sure why God does stuff the way He does but when I was first saved I was on fire for God. I was witnessing to others, got my best friend to come to church, got people from my job to come to church and I felt I was really called by God to serve Him. Little did I know, that chaos was going to hit so soon. I remember sitting in the pews at church and listening to guest speakers come and talk about their testimonies. I looked at my best friend and said wow they have an awesome testimony, sure wish I had one. I really wish I would have kept my mouth shut that day!! 
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things  I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in  the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on  the inside while outside  you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away. 
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know  if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit  suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking. 


Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become 



Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Finally, I am finally writing again...

As a little girl, I loved reading and writing. I always thought that writing was an outlet of sorts and that I could let my imagination run rampant. I could have whatever my desire was when I was writing. I could make the story happy or sad. And as I have been going through life's struggles I realized that I just don't take the time I used to and write it all out. You know there are some things you just don't ever want to tell another person. But a piece of paper isn't going to tell on you. Well, unless you leave it in plain sight. But for me writing is an outlet. So as I have been going through this crazy journey called life I have realized that I really missed writing. So I had to go through finding my blog and where I had left off. Amazingly God is still working on me. So I just want to throw some thoughts out there and see what feedback I get. 
Many of you taking the time out of your day to read this will hopefully give me some feedback. It is about mental illness. As a Christian, if you are suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or any other thing) should you not take medication and just pray that God will take it away, or should you take medication? I have had a few discussions on this topic with a variety of people, and I think it boils down to whether or not you have ever dealt with the illness yourself, or if you just have the notion that it is just in your head. For me personally, I suffer from depression. I happily take my medication. I don't refer to them as my happy pills because sometimes I am just not happy. I do not believe that I am trusting in medication more than I trust in God. I also do not believe that if I prayed harder, or did more that I wouldn't have this illness. I believe that God made me special, with all my problems, imperfections, and that He knows best. He provided me with a physician who knows what is going on and He made pharmaceutical medication to make me feel better.  On the same note, I understand that some people do not believe this way. I understand that they think it is all in my head. I wonder though, is high blood pressure in my head? Is hypothyroidism in my head? Is diabetes in my mom's and brother's heads? Well, duh no of course not!! It is a real diagnosis.  My depression is real. I wouldn't fake it. It costs me too much to fake. It causes me to hurt those I love sometimes. I don't mean it, but I say things that I shouldn't, I am exhausted a lot, I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I don't talk, I yell, and I just plain don't like me. I am so thankful that I don't live everyday like that. But if I didn't have God in my life, and my medication, I would. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't judge your brother or sister for their choices, either way. You have to do what is best for you and that my friends is between you and God. 
Another thing that I have been working on is my relationship with God. You see I have been in this off again on again relationship with God. I am so very blessed and lucky that He is such a patient and understanding God. I had written an email to my youth director last week begging for prayer. I was at my wits end and asked doesn't God ever get tired of my wish washy self??!!  She replied back and I replied back but she finally got through to me.... "Wanting and doing are two different things and only one of those brings results, but the rewards are great when you choose rightly."  If I wanted to get close to God I had to do something. See that is the great thing about God. He works on you, He waits for you, He is there for you, and He watches over you, but He never ever forces himself upon you. You have to choose Him. I have seen where I have went wrong in my life by not choosing Him in everything. I am trying to be more conscious of my time. I am praying, and I am reading. And see the more I am trying, the harder the devil is trying to make it for me. But I have a secret...the devil is not holding me down anymore. I am done with his lies. That doesn't make me any better than the next person, just lucky enough now to see where I have went wrong and how I can make it better. You see because everyday is a new journey. We have the choice of where we want to go on that journey, who we are going with, and what we are going to do to make a difference. 
So I have kind of not been feeling well lately, and I know it is because I have been stupid with my medical illness issues. I also know that many other single parents are out there and have to make hard choices sometimes concerning their health. But today I went to the doctor and I went out feeling about a zillion times better. My medication was going to cost me $369 this month. There was no way I could afford it. My doctor switched one of my medications to name brand because the generic was not working but then I found out it was $50 a month and that was not do able at the time. So I just didn't take it. Yes, you have my permission to call me stupid...it is thyroid medicine. So I have been off and on sick but the last three or four days I have been like crazy moody, crying, throwing up, head aching, dizzy, and sleepy. Yesterday at work it gets hard to breathe and I am crying for no reason so I went to the ER. My thyroid is supposed to be between .45 and 4.5 and mine is 53.5. Needless to say thyroid medicine is soon to be back in the cabinet. Like tomorrow. And me and my doctor found a way to get all the medicine I take for $20 a month for HBP and Depression and $20 for three months for thyroid and water pill. So I can afford that and am so very thankful God gave me such a great provider!! 
I am really kind of sad that I won't get to go see my family this weekend. But I know that if it were meant to be it would be. I just am very blessed to have a loving family! And extended family, and friends that are like family. :) I was talking to my friends from the clinic today and they were saying something about another shining example of what happens when you leave the clinic. But I do have to say, it is lonely out here. You miss your friends every single day. You miss being about to just see their faces or hear their voices. You even miss the people that annoyed you the most. You get lost in the shuffle. It is okay and that is how life works, but some of you people I just love and want you to know that I am crazy about ya'll!! And for my new friends that I have met over just one year of school...I am crazy about you too! God has brought you all into my life either to show how not to be a crazy lunatic or to see that you can be crazy and still survive.