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Friday, August 26, 2011

It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Cheated...

So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I  hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!

Here is my 34 lbs less pic!
I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Change is good...Right?

It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.

I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able  maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.

I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.

The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Well I have been busted a few times lately. People have called me out when I have been putting my mask up. I have talked about the mask before. The "I am ok" "put on my happy face" and the "everything is fine" mask. I am honestly going to tell you that right at the moment I do not feel that way. I do not feel hopeless or depressed, but I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel that there is so much going on in my life that I just need to breathe. This is what is going on, it is my life, and I am going to have to learn how to deal with the crazy life I have. I have to stop making excuses. I make excuses to not workout, I make excuses not to do stuff that I know needs to be done, and I make excuses to not take ownership of what happens in my life. I have made excuses to not get back where I need to be in the God department. This is where the diet and exercise thing gets complicated.
This week I found an excuse to closet eat. Now I haven't really had a problem with that since I turned this whole thing over to God. But as soon as I started to take on my emotions and feelings instead of turning it over to God, I ran to my good old friend food. Now I can say that it wasn't food that
I couldn't have, but a whole jar of olives, a bag of sugar free chocolate, and a beef stick was my friend and counselor that day.  It was just dumb stuff. I did catch what I was doing though and I haven't done it again.
As far as the weigh in goes I lost 1 lb. this week for a total of 33 lbs since June 1. Great things have happened because of this weight loss. A pair of my pants don't have to be unbuttoned to be they can just pull on and off, my underwear keeps falling off my butt, and finally a towel can reach all the way around me. Granted it is a beach towel but still it isn't gaping open anymore. So I am proud of how far I have come, but I want to keep up the good work and not let anything get in the way.
I did get all the classes I need to apply for RN school in January. I will be taking a huge semester of microbiology, pathphysiology, nutrition, spanish and fitness walking. I am so scared about leaving my job and going back to school. I am scared about financial reasons, and just scared about not being able to do it. But I know that if I just trust God that He will take care of it. God is bigger than anything I have to face. He knows what is going to happen, and He know that we will make it through it if we just let Him do what He does. I pray that this week that I will stop making excuses and just depend upon God and His promises. He has such big plans for me and I just have to let Him mold me into what I should be.