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Friday, August 26, 2011

It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

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