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Friday, August 12, 2011

Change is good...Right?

It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.

I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able  maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.

I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.

The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.

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