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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Woo Hoo!

I have always been a fat chick. Now a long time ago I was skinny but I don't really remember what that felt like. I was thin up until the great third grade year. So I do consider myself to be big most of my life. I remember those years in elementary P.E. when we had to run a mile. I was the biggest girl and of course I took the longest time. The whole class was either cheering me on or making fun of me. I remembered tonight that those miles took me anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. Tonight I broke that record!  Tonight I ran/walked a mile in 19:24 seconds! Oh my was I so proud. To think that all these years I never could do something and now with the power of Jesus I can.
To be quite honest I did not want to go to the gym tonight. I had a headache and was nauseous. When I came home from work I laid down and took a nap. Got up and cooked dinner and I kept saying to myself ...ughhh I don't want to go...I really don't have to...I worked hard this week I could let it go...but the stronger voice said "Stop making dumb excuses and just do it!" I am so thankful that I did. Not only do I feel amazing, I can honestly say I am proud of myself.
Now the skinny people in the gym thought I was crazy so they left. I guess jiggly fat scared them, but at least I wasn't on the couch downing some bon bons. Before I would have just left the gym until I was alone but I got on that treadmill. And my numbers keep improving every time.
I am going to leave you with this quote:
"Listen closely: the only time it's too late to change yourself is when you are dead. Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I can do all things...

Well it is yet again weigh-in Wednesday. It is my fourth week and I am happy to report I lost 2lbs this past week. For a grand total of 20 lbs. Since this is my blog and one of the reasons I have it is to sort out my feeling and to express what I feel inside, I am feeling very discouraged right now. Now I know losing 2 lbs is nothing to complain about. I guess I am just overwhelmed by the fact that I have such a long journey. I have 135 lbs to lose. I have only lost 3% of my body weight. And when I look at it that way it is very depressing. I understand completely that I did not gain this weight over night and I know that it isn't going to melt away immediately.
 I am dealing with a lot of feelings deep inside this week. I feel very lonely, sad, disappointed and overwhelmed on the inside...on the outside I appear happy. I know that some of this is because of having a hysterectomy and the whole hormone thing. Part of it is because of finances, some of it is because of my own stupidity, and some is because I really am lonely. Now I know that God is here. I guess for the longest time I just felt that I was talking to the air. But when I went to Him and asked him for help to help me control my food addiction He was there. I think that I am just going to have to ask Him for help curing the loneliness I feel deep inside. It isn't like I am alone. I have a great group of supporters out there. And I have good friends and family that love me and support me no matter what. So don't think I am discounting you. This lonely feeling is just something I have been feeling for awhile now. And if you think about it, I am not a normal 32 year old woman. I have been blessed by being able to help care for my mom and my nephew. I have a beautiful daughter. I have a lot of responsibility. That is OK. I accept that and I embrace it. I am blessed to have my mom for my very best friend. There are not a lot of people that can say that. I love my momma so much. I am so very thankful for her. She has taught me to be strong and to depend on God. She has tried to instill in me that I am beautiful and I deserve so much more than  what I settle for. She has always encouraged me to keep on going. However, when something happens to her I am pretty certain that I will be lost without her. I won't have anybody else like her. That scares me. If I am already feeling lonely and she is still here what I am going to be like then! I think part of it is because I have tried to be strong and be the rock for everyone else and I am just missing my rock. I am missing my other half. And to be honest I am starting to embrace the whole single life thing, but my heart's desire is to find my soul mate. Wow has this blog changed!! Like I said emotionally I am weak and just had to get some of it out.
This week I have learned that I can do all things through Christ. Training for a 5k, dieting, and giving Jesus all my cares and worries...everything is going to be alright. With Him by my side I have lost 20lbs in 4 weeks and I am well on my way to that enormous goal...I just have to keep my eyes on the prize.....

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I did it!!

I have been putting off what I did today for a long, long time. I have used every single excuse to not do it. But today I, as Michael Jordan said, "Just did it!" I know it is humorous but to this big girl getting on the treadmill is not fun. One time, a long time ago, when I worked out at Fit N Slender, I did a work out on the treadmill and blacked out afterwards. After that the treadmill has scared me. But today I had to either deal with the crazy hot sun or the treadmill. My choice the treadmill.
Now one of my goals is to run a 5k. I plan to do one in September and one in October. So I figured I better start the training now. I have procrastinated about a week now and this morning I told myself I was going to start. I didn't really want to. I had tons of negative feelings about it. I was thinking my fat is going to jiggle, I am going to sweat profusely, I am going to huff and puff, and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I am doing the couch to 5k training thing. The first week you have to determine if you can walk three times a week for thirty minutes. I can do that. This week I have to walk for a warm up 5 min jog/run for a minute, walk a minute and 30 seconds (six intervals) and then a 5 min cool down walk. Seems those minutes of jogging went by fast except for interval 5 and 6...everything that I thought would happen (IE: jiggling fat, huffing and puffing, sweating profusely) happened except I did do it! It felt amazing. I may be weird but I loved the feeling of sweat pouring off me, I loved drinking two bottles of water while huffing and puffing and I loved that I did it, finally.
Actually I should say that God gave me the strength to do something I had serious doubts about. This is a journey and I know that there will be speed bumps, but I also know there is nothing that I can not do through Jesus Christ.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Week 3 Done...Butterfly

Things are getting a little harder. Week three was very hard for me because I was short on money thus being short on groceries. Meaning that I had to eat stuff that I usually wouldn't eat, but I did not stray from my diet. It seems like I have had a lot of cravings this week. I wanted chocolate really really bad. I am not sure if it was because they kept showing the dove chocolate commercials while I was watching the Nora Roberts' movie marathon or if my body really wanted it. Either way I did not get chocolate. I made it through that big temptation okay.
I made a new recipe this week and it was super yummy. I had low carb salmon patties. I used onion, two pouches of salmon, egg, lemon pepper seasoning, and used crushed up pork rinds for the binder. I mixed it all together and made patties and cooked them in butter. They were so good!!
I managed to lose 6 lbs this week. I was very excited that I lost that much. It is a great momentum to keep it up. I have lost 18lbs so far. I have been trying to figure out a little bit of a reward system to reward myself with something when I lose weight. I have decided that when I lose 30 lbs I am going to get my hair cut. When I lose 50 lbs. I am going to buy new scrub pants. I figure by then I can come up with more rewards but I am just trying to focus on the short term goals for now.
 I have really been slacking in the exercise area. Please continue to stay on me about it. I am wanting to train for a 5k in September and one in October. I need to get started now. I am thinking that if I start training on the treadmill indoors then I can move outdoors in the last month or so. I am not sure that would be good but I do know that it is really too hot to run in the evening now. I did manage to get some exercise in the week though. I walked for two miles on Saturday and went to Castaway Cove yesterday. I swear we went around the lazy river a million times!! Walked up the stairs twice to get on the water slides. Walked a lot yesterday. I know I am feeling better overall, but my energy isn't quite where I want it to be.
It seems that I have been inspiring others to try out this diet. I think that is great, but I want everyone to know that I am not trying to get any glory for this. I know that I prayed that God would help me and that is exactly what He is doing. I know that for many of us big women it is hard to look at ourselves and find something to love. Seems all we seem to see is a big, fat blob. I often times have caught myself feeling this way. I personally  don't love the way I look, but I know inside of me there is a beautiful butterfly wanting to come out. I am beautiful on the inside. It has taken me a long time to realize this. So many times as women we try to define ourselves by our body size, our skin color, curly hair, straight hair, tan, pale or any other things that we choose to pick on ourselves about. God did not make trash, or blobs for that matter. He made people in his image...can you imagine God being a blob? Nope me either. I imagine Him being the most beautiful being in the galaxy. So we should be mindful that we are made in God's own image. That He didn't make junk. And no matter what people say about you, you have the potential to be a beautiful being on the inside and out. It isn't an easy accomplishment to lose weight, or to improve your health. I have heard some say it is the hardest thing that you will ever do is to lose weight and keep it off. So far my journey is on a good start. Thank you so much for your support! Thanks for holding me accountable too! You have no idea how much it means to me.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Week 2 Done On to Week 3

So Wednesday marked the end of week two for me and weigh in day. Was very ready for weigh in day because I just knew I had done well this week. I lost 4 lbs. I weighed right at 290.4. I wanted to be in the 280's so I was a bit disappointed. But was so very blessed that God has continued to be with me during this journey. I am also surrounded by a great support group who has really helped me stay on track. So I cheated again with the weighing issue and weighed again on Friday. I had lost two pounds and was in the numbers I wanted to be in for the week(288). I was so happy.
I really want this to be a change. I know some people don't understand why it is so important to me. But even having the stressful week that I had, I did not one time use food for comfort. I prayed and complained to a bunch of people but I did not keep those feelings inside. I think that was the difference. I try to keep it in and I use food as a way to let it out. It is important to me to get this weight off because it is something that I can do for myself. Something that I am in control of. It is also going to benefit all of those around me. When I feel better, and have more energy then I can give my best to everyone. I am not trying to lose weight to get a man or for vanity purposes, but I just want to be healthy.
I had an exciting workout the other night at my friend's house. We played Just Dance II on the Wii! I have to get that game soon! I loved it. Even though I felt like a big dork, it was fun and got me sweating. I guess it took my place of my walking workout. Didn't do any exercise yesterday because I was not feeling well. I promised the kids that we would go walking by the river today. We did do that and I think I have experienced heat exhaustion! It was a very beautiful trail. Got to see some awesome birds. I am thinking I might need to train for my 5k indoors until it cools down though! Or maybe will have to get up early in the morning and train outside. Since I now know I can walk for an hour in the blazing hot Texas heat I can skip ahead to the walk a minute, jog a minute week! Just wanted to give you all an update! It is going good! God is with me and will see me through this as long as I continue to pray and follow his plan!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Emotions

Today was a really hard day for me. I had to fight the urge to weigh in all day long. I went by the scale at work at least five or six times. A couple of times I even took all the stuff out of my scrub pockets and then went to weigh but turned around. I know that I may or may not be disappointed when weighing. I mean it is really good encouragement to see your weight change in just a matter of days, but I also know that I will be upset if that scale doesn't move down some. Finally I just couldn't help myself anymore and weighed when I got off work. The results were I was down a few ounces. I was not disappointed in losing the ounces, I was disappointed that I gave in to this dumb temptation. If I can't even keep myself from the scale am I really going to be able to fight off the bigger temptations? Am I going to be strong enough to keep on with my journey? I really don't have a choice. It is to the point that if I want to live and be a good mother and role model I have to get this weight off.
Really I don't think that people see us fat people the right way. I think we are all kind of bunched into a group of lazy people that eat fifty million calories a day. It isn't fair. I will admit though that I am not as active as I should be. But I am not as active because it takes so much out of me to get through the day. Really if you don't know what is like being fat, don't judge us for being lazy. You try carrying around an extra person all day! That is what I do! And what really bothers me is that no matter what you are doing to better yourself there is going to be someone judging you. There will be one person saying "what you are doing isn't healthy", or "I don't know how you do it because I couldn't go without that food", or "you are going to ruin your kidneys". The last one is the kicker for me. Do you really think that I am going to ruin my kidneys because I am not eating a million carbs a day? Um I don't think so. It isn't like I am on the all you can eat protein plan!! I eat a lot and I do mean a lot of vegetables! A lot of eggs. And yes I do eat protein, but not to the extreme. Both of my parents have renal disease I am not stupid. I wouldn't jeopardize my kidneys to be smaller. I have lived almost my whole life fat. From third grade thru now. I have went through so much being a fat woman. First of all people are always staring and judging you for being big. Second, you get made fun of for being that fat person. I had alot of that during school, but to this day one of the most traumatic experiences for me was in fifth grade getting the valentine card that wasn't addressed to me, but addressed to a picture of a cow. After awhile you hear that you are fat and ugly so often you just believe that is what you are. And for many years I believed that I was fat and ugly. I believed that I wasn't worth anything. Third thing I have dealt with is men. Men think that fat girls are so desperate to have one that they will do anything to be with one. And yes I have been that desperate girl before, but finally I caught on to that. I realized that God made me into the woman that I am. I realized that I am not defined by this shell on the outside but on the spirit within. I am worth a chance. God has given me this chance to change. He has changed the inside. He has healed that broken spirit. He is going to see me through this journey. He is the reason I am writing this down. I was having a bad day. Feeling discouraged and down about giving into to temptation. Now I just realize that I just needed to call on Jesus. He has blessed me with an ability to share some of this stuff that is really hard to talk about. He knows I need to let it go, I know I need to let it go.  In order to move on I have to let this little fat, scared, sad, and hopeless girl go! I have to become the confident, full of life woman I am meant to be. Thank you Lord for the revelation! Thank you for this blog and telling me that is what it is here for. Sorry, you all who are reading this are going to get to know the real, raw me.  Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Week One Done

So I made it!!! I made it through the first week and suprisingly I had no cravings!! Though I know I did a few things wrong. The biggest thing is weighing myself too much. I weighed in last Wednesday, then Friday, again Monday, Tuesday, and today. That is why I was disappointed when I stepped off the scale about five times today. I have absoluetly nothing to be disappointed with. I lost 8 lbs my first week. But I was disappointed because the scale didn't move from yesterday. So I have vowed to only weigh once a week. I have some great coworkers that are going to make me keep that vow!! I also ate peanuts before I was supposed to but that is an easy fix.
For all you dieters out there I want to discuss a thing or two with you. I have been there, I have tried every weird diet and shake, and to be honest I just had to find something that I liked to eat. I chose Atkins because it is the food that I like to eat. I am not saying that I don't miss the carbs, but I am saying it isn't overly restrictive to me because I like the food options I have. So I recommend trying what is out there. There are a few places that you can go to and enter the kind of food you like and they will give you a diet you can use according to your taste.
 And don't give up. If you really need to lose weight don't give up on yourself. I know it is disappointing to do everything that you know how to do and not see the scale move. Or worse to gain weight when you are sure that you ate well. It is frustrating. I have a friend going through this right now, and I know she is trying and eating like she is supposed to the scale just isn't moving. Honestly the whole dieting thing is an emotional rollercoaster. When you lose weight you are very excited and thrilled. When you stay the same or gain it is depressing. Make sure to surround yourself with encouraging people. People that understand what you are going through, that will listen to you, and people that will hold you accountable. Like I said before, if losing weight was so easy there wouldn't be an obesity problem.
I am happy with my 8 lb weight loss, even knowing that a major part of it is water weight. This is going to be a long journey to go. I have 142 more lbs to go!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Five days in...

So since this is my weight loss journey and I am so serious about this, I have decided to blog about it. I know that it may not be very interesting to some, but I am sure one day that I will look back and be able to see how far I have come.

To be frank and honest about the whole thing, I have been fat most of my life. How does one stop being fat? Go on a diet, exercise, simple right? Well if it is that simple then why are there fat people in this world? Well for starters most fat people eat for reasons other than to fuel their body. Some eat because of emotional issues, some eat because they are bored and some people eat because the food is there. Some fat people are fat because they can not afford the "healthy" food. And this is a major concern for me as I am a single mom and have to think about me and my child. Food is expensive, especially fresh fruits and vegtables. Some are fat because of medical reasons. But out of all the fat people I know, I don't believe that it is a choice. I don't believe that they wake up and say "oh, how I love my fat". I think that as the obesity rate climbs maybe it is because people aren't as active as we once had to be, maybe it is the food thing, but the biggest thing I see is how people eat all this CONVENIENCE food. It is faster and easier...not necessarily cheaper though. Anyway my point is that I have been fat most of my life and I didn't always want to be. I have had other issues blocking me from losing weight, and quite honestly I thought eating and food was more important than me. Yes, I did say that. Sounds dumb doesn't it? To say that tostino's pizza was more important than living an extra thirty minutes is a little stupid right? Not in the mind of this fat girl. What I feel is that emotional attachment to food. Food is there for you, it was my very best friend. You have to have it. It is almost everywhere. We use it to celebrate, grieve, comfort, and to take the place of a void in our lives. At least I have and I did. For a long time I have tried to figure out why I just can't follow through with my healthy living goals. But I finally figured it out. I was trying to do this alone. I can't do it alone. I can't cut myself off of my best friend without having a replacement. My priorities were out of order. You see, instead of celebrating, confiding, grieving, and comforting myself with food, I should have been doing that with my Lord and Savior Jesus. I have prayed to God that He will help me conquer this battle once and for all.

Five days in I can say that He has been there every step of the way.

Five days ago I decided enough is enough. I started the low carb lifestyle. I don't want to say diet because I really want a change. I don't want to go back to where I have came from or where I have been. This is my chance to make it. I have already made a new recipe for egg muffins. I have made it through a weekend of temptations. I started out on June 1, 2011 weighing in at 302 lbs and today June 6, 2011 I weighed 295.6. I am very excited and thrilled. And if you are interested in starting the low carb journey you should check out www.atkins.com because they will send you a weight loss kit for free. It comes with coupons, samples of their bars (free but not so tasty), information on the diet and carb counters. I am off for now but hopefully you can keep up with this journey. I hope to inspire you. I hope to make you understand a fat woman's prospective. I hope this change is a lasting change.