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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I can do all things...

Well it is yet again weigh-in Wednesday. It is my fourth week and I am happy to report I lost 2lbs this past week. For a grand total of 20 lbs. Since this is my blog and one of the reasons I have it is to sort out my feeling and to express what I feel inside, I am feeling very discouraged right now. Now I know losing 2 lbs is nothing to complain about. I guess I am just overwhelmed by the fact that I have such a long journey. I have 135 lbs to lose. I have only lost 3% of my body weight. And when I look at it that way it is very depressing. I understand completely that I did not gain this weight over night and I know that it isn't going to melt away immediately.
 I am dealing with a lot of feelings deep inside this week. I feel very lonely, sad, disappointed and overwhelmed on the inside...on the outside I appear happy. I know that some of this is because of having a hysterectomy and the whole hormone thing. Part of it is because of finances, some of it is because of my own stupidity, and some is because I really am lonely. Now I know that God is here. I guess for the longest time I just felt that I was talking to the air. But when I went to Him and asked him for help to help me control my food addiction He was there. I think that I am just going to have to ask Him for help curing the loneliness I feel deep inside. It isn't like I am alone. I have a great group of supporters out there. And I have good friends and family that love me and support me no matter what. So don't think I am discounting you. This lonely feeling is just something I have been feeling for awhile now. And if you think about it, I am not a normal 32 year old woman. I have been blessed by being able to help care for my mom and my nephew. I have a beautiful daughter. I have a lot of responsibility. That is OK. I accept that and I embrace it. I am blessed to have my mom for my very best friend. There are not a lot of people that can say that. I love my momma so much. I am so very thankful for her. She has taught me to be strong and to depend on God. She has tried to instill in me that I am beautiful and I deserve so much more than  what I settle for. She has always encouraged me to keep on going. However, when something happens to her I am pretty certain that I will be lost without her. I won't have anybody else like her. That scares me. If I am already feeling lonely and she is still here what I am going to be like then! I think part of it is because I have tried to be strong and be the rock for everyone else and I am just missing my rock. I am missing my other half. And to be honest I am starting to embrace the whole single life thing, but my heart's desire is to find my soul mate. Wow has this blog changed!! Like I said emotionally I am weak and just had to get some of it out.
This week I have learned that I can do all things through Christ. Training for a 5k, dieting, and giving Jesus all my cares and worries...everything is going to be alright. With Him by my side I have lost 20lbs in 4 weeks and I am well on my way to that enormous goal...I just have to keep my eyes on the prize.....

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