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Thursday, November 22, 2012

If it were only...

I know today is Thanksgiving. I know I have a ton to be thankful for. Throughout this day though I have focused on where I thought I would be. I have had a little pity party. I have a little depression going on. I know that there are people who have it way worse off than me, but I know a whole lot of people who have it better.
 In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it.