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Monday, July 22, 2013

Lies I tell myself...

Single parenting is hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, financially, and no one understands unless that have been there. I am learning that I have probably not been the best parent to my child because of all the emotional baggage I carried around from my relationship with her father. My self esteem and self worth have been very low, and I don't want my daughter to deal with those issues. I want her to have a happy, healthy relationship with both of her parents. I want her to not feel like she is in the middle. I don't want her to worry about hurting one of us, if she likes the other one. But most of all, I want her parents to work together to provide her with stability. I want us to have the same rules. I want her to know she is loved by both parents. I just do not know how to make that happen.
It started on Wednesday. I was looking at the baby section of the store trying to find a baby outfit for Abby to give her baby brother. Using her allowance money, she wanted to get her new brother something special. That is when I started re-living my past. That is where the root of envy began. That is where I threw everything that I know is true and right about myself out the window. 
You see I could tell you over and over again that I wasn't jealous of Abby's dad and girlfriend, I could say it didn't hurt, and I could say that it is their life it doesn't affect me. But every single bit of those statements were a big lie. I did realize (today in fact), that I was envious of Abby's dad and girlfriend. For one they just had a baby, and I can never have another one. Another reason, they have each other to raise a baby with, they are not doing it on their own. And probably the reason that really bothers me the most is why wasn't I good enough to stay with when I had his baby? He never gave us a chance. And because I don't have an answer to that question I think that I will wonder about it until I realize that the problem was not with me, it was with him. I was really excited for Abby's dad and his girlfriend to find out about parenting. Thinking finally he will see what I went through by myself. But now I know he won't ever realize it because he has someone helping him!
The baggage that I decided to pick back up brought all that pain and hurt to the surface again. Part of me is truly scared that Abby will want to leave me to live with her dad because he has a normal family. They have the money, the house, the cars, the material things and I just have me. I have struggled since I have had her to do the best for her that I can, but I can't give her what they can. Another part of me knows that she loves me and she is learning how to love others because of what I have taught her. She knows that even if we don't have much, we have each other. She knows that she has a mom who isn't afraid to act silly, play barbies, and spend time with her. She sees me as her momma. She doesn't feel the same way about her dad. She is afraid of him.
 Another piece of that baggage, is the way I feel about me. I have cried and sobbed wondering why I wasn't good enough to be loved.  Why at 34 years old I have never been in a realtionship where I was "in love". I have been in relationships where I loved someone, but not in a relationship where they loved me back. I don't know what that feels like. I don't understand why so many other people find it and give up on it, and people like me never get it. I am beginning to understand that in order to be loved, you have to open yourself up and accept it. There is no greater love than the love of God. I want to start focusing on who I am in Him, and the love that He has for me. God doesn't want me to hate myself. God doesn't want me to envy others. God wants me to give Him those heavy burdens. He wants me for me, just as I am. He loves me warts and all. 
It seems that as I try to draw nearer to God, Satan tries throw this stuff in my face. One day I will be strong enough to say I am done with heavy load. You can have it. Me and God have something bigger and better.