Hard Trials

***Disclaimer: This blog may contain things in it that are not meant to intentionally hurt anyone, blame anyone, or make anyone feel bad. This blog contains my feelings and my perception of what was said and/or done.*****

This week has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long while. I have been overwhelmed with the task at hand and at times not sure what to do. I guess you could say I felt quite helpless. So I am just going to lay it out.
Ugh this is going to be so random and rumbling that I hope it makes some sense.
Starting from last Thursday thru Sunday everything was going pretty good. I got in two C25K workouts in, was doing a mile in 17 min. and following my diet great. Early Monday morning my mom had an accident. She was getting up to go to the bathroom and fell at around 3:30 a.m.. She does not remember falling, so the doctors think that she had a seizure. It took us a long time to get her up. And after we did she was in so much pain. I wanted to take her to the ER but she refused. I finally got her settled down about 4:30 a.m. She decided that around 7:00 am that she probably should go into the ER and we got her there. They did lots of tests and needless to say she spent until Thursday in the hospital. She had a slight concussion, UTI, and what looks like a seizure disorder. They also did testing on her heart and her diabetes got way out of control. My mom is one of the toughest ladies I know. She can tolerate pain, she walked on a broken leg for three days and didn't know it was broken, but she was in so much pain that she was crying. She still is in that kind of pain. It really hurts me and makes me feel so very helpless when she is in that kind of pain. I realized that this week our roles have reversed a little bit. I know when I was growing up she took care of me, held me when I was hurting, consoled me, made my hurts better, wiped my butt, gave me baths, and loved me regardless. It seems like now it is my turn to take care of her. I know that I have done that for a while, but it is at a new level. I would do anything for my momma. She is my best friend. I have a very special relationship with her as we have had each other's backs for awhile now. Honestly I am scared. I am fully aware that her health is declining. I know that one of these days she isn't going to be here anymore. It hurts me, scares me, and makes me think. I want her to have the best that life can give her right now. I want her to be happy and in no pain. I want her to be taken care of all the time.
This being said it has been a very emotional time for me this week. I have not worked out at all this week, unless you count pulling my momma up and down to help her to the bathroom or adjusting her in bed or if you count walking from the parking lot to the hospital room. I have followed my diet pretty much but unintentionally cheated on Tuesday when I at a small bag of cashews. I can have nuts but I didn't realize that those had 14 carbs in them. I weighed in on Wednesday and lost 5 lbs this week and made my first goal. I know that I was excited to make my goal, but I really didn't relish in it because my mind was on other things. I did cut my hair like I said I would and I like it. It is way different and short but I love it. I got the news about my financial aid this week, which did brighten my day because I was very worried about it.  I did get it so I will definitely be going to school in the fall. Things are changing so fast it is scary but God has been with me, will continue to be with me and HE has it all under control. He has taken care of my momma this week, taken care of my financial aid woes, helped me through the temptation of closet and emotional eating, and also blessed me with an unspoken need. God is faithful and I am thankful.

The Woman in the Mirror

That woman is enormous. That woman has rolls and rolls of flab. That woman will never be thin. That woman is ugly. That woman is in my head. That woman is probably in your head too. That woman does not discriminate. That woman doesn't care if you are black or white, short or tall, thin or fat, or ugly or pretty. She wants you to feel that you are not acceptable. She wants to rule over your thoughts and your body image so you feel that you will never be good enough.
Are we ever good enough? I guess it depends on who you want to be good enough for. If we want to be good enough for this world, we will probably never measure up. If we want to be good enough for God then we are already there. He takes us, accepts us, and loves us just as we are. And you know the great thing about it? He makes us more beautiful, more radiant, more loved and accepted than anyone in this world can. But He can't do that if we won't let Him. We have to accept who we are, who we have been, and who we can become. This has been on my mind a lot this week. I think mostly for innocent reasons. Maybe because I didn't realize how big I really was. Maybe because I miss sized a couple of my friends (sorry didn't mean to offend you) and maybe because I don't like mirrors and I have to look in one when I am working out. Have you been brave enough to look in the mirror? I mean really look in the mirror? I have a couple of times this week. Do I like what I see? Well it depends on what I am looking at. I have lost inches and pounds with my changed life and I do like to see that things are getting smaller. But I don't like that feeling that no matter what I lose I am not a pretty girl. I am pretty plain Jane. I am pasty and freckly. And I am balding. I wonder if I can ever get this shell of mine to match this beautiful person locked inside of me. The answer lies in how hard I want to work. The beauty that I want comes from God.  And though I haven't meant to, I have gotten wrapped up in changing my life without His help. I know that I need Him to do anything and I must work on that relationship before anything will work in my life.
So I lost 4 lbs this week for a total of 27 lbs in 7 weeks. I am 3 lbs away from my first goal. It is very exciting for me, but at the same time I know I slacked off in the couch to 5k thing this past week. I was very discouraged during the first workout of week 3 when I couldn't run the 3 min parts without stopping and breathing. I didn't go back again for 6 days. When I did I could run the first 3 min through and the second 3 mins. I had to stop and breathe. I was frustrated. But I am not giving up on this. This is something I have always wanted to do. And yes I make excuses and I get out of it. Just keep on me Mom. Annoy me make me mad, because that is what I need. I need to work on this. This week I have a new goal. I am going to do three c to 5k workouts, read my Bible everyday, and track my food. Please hold me accountable.
If that woman is bothering you, tell her to shut up! That through God you are beautiful. As a matter of fact there will never be a more beautiful you.

A Time for Change...

All I can say about this week is WOW! Last week I gained six pounds and was a little bit down about it, but as I figured I was retaining a lot of water. My doctor did decide to increase that medication so I would not be retaining much water. Also now since I am on week 3 of the c25k my legs are getting used to the running and don't seem near as sore (thus the inflammation and swelling is gone too). So I lost a total of 7 lbs this week. My six week total is 23 lbs. I weighed in on Monday and I was down to 278 but today I weighed 279. And I am OK with that. This journey is not always easy, I have seen some people try and give up, I have inspired people to try it out, and I have remained strong through many temptations.
The exercise amazes me. I have never really pushed my body the way I have been. Honestly the training is so intense for me because I am such a big chick. I sweat profusely. And this week is very hard because I have to run 3 minutes straight. Last night was my first training like that and I did try it but during my 3 min run I had to stop and breathe for about 30 seconds but I made it through the work out. I did a mile in 18:13 min. and I did 1.64 miles in 28 min. My time seems to improve every workout. It helps to have upbeat music and no interruptions. I am really looking forward to doing the Archer City Shortgrass Scamper in September and Race for the Cure in October. I have always wanted to be the runner instead of the walker and hopefully this year is the year to make it happen.
Not only has my lifestyle taken a change, but I am about to take a HUGE leap of faith in my life. I have decided to go back to college for my RN degree. What this means for me is the opportunity to make my life and my daughter's life better. It also gives me a chance to make this world a better place. My goal is to be a patient educator. I want to help people learn to control their illnesses and help them with their diets. This also mean that I have to leave a job that I love, and a family of friends and coworkers that I have been blessed to have for five years. It is a very heartbreaking situation for me. I do not like change, and I do not like uncertainty. Yesterday I was very upset about this change. I was fearful about not knowing what I was going to do, where I was going to get money to make it by and how I was supposed to everything that I needed to do. But today I have had peace about it. I know that God has this all under control. I also know that I am not saying goodbye to my friends and coworker family, I am just saying see ya soon. I know that they are all proud of me, that they believe in me, and that they will always be there for me.
This is all I got in me today. Thanks for reading.

Ouch!!

Well it wasn't good news for me, I stepped on the scale this morning anticipating to be in the 270's, but to my disappointment I had gained 6 lbs!  Now I am not going to say I was devastated...I was sad.  Sad that even though I haven't cheated at all, and I have been faithfully doing my couch to 5k program that I still gained the weight. Now logically speaking I am quite sure it is water retention. I read up on it. I read that when you are exercising your muscles get inflamed and cause swelling. Excessive heat causes swelling and water retention and honestly I have always had a problem with it. So hopefully next week I will lose!!
I know my mentality is changing. When I get on that treadmill to do my workout (this week it is walk 5 min, jog 1 min and 30 seconds, walk 2 min. repeat x6 and then 5 min cool down) I am so unsure of myself and my ability, but by the end of the work out I feel like I can conquer anything! Another change that I have noticed is that I can say no to myself. Today I was feeling a little bummed about the weight gain and my inner chick tried to convince me I would feel better if I had chocolate. I deserved the chocolate, I already gained six pounds what was a little chocolate going to hurt. Really sometimes I think I am crazy. I am standing in the store talking to myself (in my head I hope) and finally say just because I gained weight doesn't mean I need to cheat. I will just feel guilty if I do cheat and by cheating I am erasing all the hard work and effort I have already put in. I know it sounds crazy, but that has always been hard for me. I have always been able to come up with an excuse to not continue on and you have no idea how thrilled I am that I won that battle today. God is definitely working in me. A friend loaned me a wonderful book called "made to crave". That book has shown me a totally different outlook on food and that God can help us with all things.
Some people really do have a food addiction. I have a food addiction. I use food in ways that I know are wrong. I have a closet eating problem too. But I have gotten so much better about that. I don't feel hungry between meals now so I really don't have that problem anymore. But I do remember that the worse it got was digging food out of the trash can because it didn't need to be wasted. I hate that people waste food. It isn't like I am starving to death or anything. But food is very precious to me. Maybe it is because to some people it is a luxury. If we only knew how many people really didn't have food to eat in America we would be ashamed to waste food like we do. By using food in the wrong way, we end up exactly where I am, battling the long battle of weight loss. But admitting you have a problem and trying to do something to change it is what matters. You can't sit back and expect the skinny fair to wave her wand over you! You got to pull those big girl panties up, and be ready to commit yourself to the hardest thing you will ever do. Find a healthy eating program and get to moving! Now is your time!