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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hard Trials

***Disclaimer: This blog may contain things in it that are not meant to intentionally hurt anyone, blame anyone, or make anyone feel bad. This blog contains my feelings and my perception of what was said and/or done.*****

This week has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long while. I have been overwhelmed with the task at hand and at times not sure what to do. I guess you could say I felt quite helpless. So I am just going to lay it out.
Ugh this is going to be so random and rumbling that I hope it makes some sense.
Starting from last Thursday thru Sunday everything was going pretty good. I got in two C25K workouts in, was doing a mile in 17 min. and following my diet great. Early Monday morning my mom had an accident. She was getting up to go to the bathroom and fell at around 3:30 a.m.. She does not remember falling, so the doctors think that she had a seizure. It took us a long time to get her up. And after we did she was in so much pain. I wanted to take her to the ER but she refused. I finally got her settled down about 4:30 a.m. She decided that around 7:00 am that she probably should go into the ER and we got her there. They did lots of tests and needless to say she spent until Thursday in the hospital. She had a slight concussion, UTI, and what looks like a seizure disorder. They also did testing on her heart and her diabetes got way out of control. My mom is one of the toughest ladies I know. She can tolerate pain, she walked on a broken leg for three days and didn't know it was broken, but she was in so much pain that she was crying. She still is in that kind of pain. It really hurts me and makes me feel so very helpless when she is in that kind of pain. I realized that this week our roles have reversed a little bit. I know when I was growing up she took care of me, held me when I was hurting, consoled me, made my hurts better, wiped my butt, gave me baths, and loved me regardless. It seems like now it is my turn to take care of her. I know that I have done that for a while, but it is at a new level. I would do anything for my momma. She is my best friend. I have a very special relationship with her as we have had each other's backs for awhile now. Honestly I am scared. I am fully aware that her health is declining. I know that one of these days she isn't going to be here anymore. It hurts me, scares me, and makes me think. I want her to have the best that life can give her right now. I want her to be happy and in no pain. I want her to be taken care of all the time.
This being said it has been a very emotional time for me this week. I have not worked out at all this week, unless you count pulling my momma up and down to help her to the bathroom or adjusting her in bed or if you count walking from the parking lot to the hospital room. I have followed my diet pretty much but unintentionally cheated on Tuesday when I at a small bag of cashews. I can have nuts but I didn't realize that those had 14 carbs in them. I weighed in on Wednesday and lost 5 lbs this week and made my first goal. I know that I was excited to make my goal, but I really didn't relish in it because my mind was on other things. I did cut my hair like I said I would and I like it. It is way different and short but I love it. I got the news about my financial aid this week, which did brighten my day because I was very worried about it.  I did get it so I will definitely be going to school in the fall. Things are changing so fast it is scary but God has been with me, will continue to be with me and HE has it all under control. He has taken care of my momma this week, taken care of my financial aid woes, helped me through the temptation of closet and emotional eating, and also blessed me with an unspoken need. God is faithful and I am thankful.

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