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Friday, June 10, 2011

Emotions

Today was a really hard day for me. I had to fight the urge to weigh in all day long. I went by the scale at work at least five or six times. A couple of times I even took all the stuff out of my scrub pockets and then went to weigh but turned around. I know that I may or may not be disappointed when weighing. I mean it is really good encouragement to see your weight change in just a matter of days, but I also know that I will be upset if that scale doesn't move down some. Finally I just couldn't help myself anymore and weighed when I got off work. The results were I was down a few ounces. I was not disappointed in losing the ounces, I was disappointed that I gave in to this dumb temptation. If I can't even keep myself from the scale am I really going to be able to fight off the bigger temptations? Am I going to be strong enough to keep on with my journey? I really don't have a choice. It is to the point that if I want to live and be a good mother and role model I have to get this weight off.
Really I don't think that people see us fat people the right way. I think we are all kind of bunched into a group of lazy people that eat fifty million calories a day. It isn't fair. I will admit though that I am not as active as I should be. But I am not as active because it takes so much out of me to get through the day. Really if you don't know what is like being fat, don't judge us for being lazy. You try carrying around an extra person all day! That is what I do! And what really bothers me is that no matter what you are doing to better yourself there is going to be someone judging you. There will be one person saying "what you are doing isn't healthy", or "I don't know how you do it because I couldn't go without that food", or "you are going to ruin your kidneys". The last one is the kicker for me. Do you really think that I am going to ruin my kidneys because I am not eating a million carbs a day? Um I don't think so. It isn't like I am on the all you can eat protein plan!! I eat a lot and I do mean a lot of vegetables! A lot of eggs. And yes I do eat protein, but not to the extreme. Both of my parents have renal disease I am not stupid. I wouldn't jeopardize my kidneys to be smaller. I have lived almost my whole life fat. From third grade thru now. I have went through so much being a fat woman. First of all people are always staring and judging you for being big. Second, you get made fun of for being that fat person. I had alot of that during school, but to this day one of the most traumatic experiences for me was in fifth grade getting the valentine card that wasn't addressed to me, but addressed to a picture of a cow. After awhile you hear that you are fat and ugly so often you just believe that is what you are. And for many years I believed that I was fat and ugly. I believed that I wasn't worth anything. Third thing I have dealt with is men. Men think that fat girls are so desperate to have one that they will do anything to be with one. And yes I have been that desperate girl before, but finally I caught on to that. I realized that God made me into the woman that I am. I realized that I am not defined by this shell on the outside but on the spirit within. I am worth a chance. God has given me this chance to change. He has changed the inside. He has healed that broken spirit. He is going to see me through this journey. He is the reason I am writing this down. I was having a bad day. Feeling discouraged and down about giving into to temptation. Now I just realize that I just needed to call on Jesus. He has blessed me with an ability to share some of this stuff that is really hard to talk about. He knows I need to let it go, I know I need to let it go.  In order to move on I have to let this little fat, scared, sad, and hopeless girl go! I have to become the confident, full of life woman I am meant to be. Thank you Lord for the revelation! Thank you for this blog and telling me that is what it is here for. Sorry, you all who are reading this are going to get to know the real, raw me.  Thanks for reading.

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