Seeking

I had it on my heart to write tonight. I wasn't sure what the topic could be about. Just random thoughts but then it hit me. How when I was a child, I wanted to be grow up so fast. And how when I first became God's child, I grew up too fast. You see when I first met Jesus I was fifteen years old. I asked my mom one day why we didn't ever go to church. And I asked if we could go. That was just the beginning. I am not sure why God does stuff the way He does but when I was first saved I was on fire for God. I was witnessing to others, got my best friend to come to church, got people from my job to come to church and I felt I was really called by God to serve Him. Little did I know, that chaos was going to hit so soon. I remember sitting in the pews at church and listening to guest speakers come and talk about their testimonies. I looked at my best friend and said wow they have an awesome testimony, sure wish I had one. I really wish I would have kept my mouth shut that day!! 
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things  I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in  the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on  the inside while outside  you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away. 
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know  if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit  suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking. 


Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only oneWho can undo what I've become