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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Finding Myself, Figuring It Out, and Depending on Faith

One would think that at my tender age of 32 I would have my life figured out. I don't. I will be the first to tell you that. But what I am finding out about myself may be able to touch a lot of people and help them to know they are not alone in this really crazy, scary world. At first this blog was meant to keep me accountable and to tell my weightloss tale. But now that I have messed up the weight loss tale part maybe it was meant to be more than that. I have been watching the A&E show "Heavy" on Netflix this week. It is another one of those great ,inspiring weight loss shows. It is a little different because they send people to a weight loss resort where they eat the right food, have trainers, have pyschologists, and they have everything that they need at their finger tips. And even some of these people, who have everything that they need right there, still fail. They still don't lose weight. They still have eating disorders. I know many people think that eating disorders are just like anorexia and bulimia, but there are many other disorders. You have food addicts, bingers, and people who eat just to eat. You have people that might have starved as children, so they horde food as adults. You have people that feel like they have no body so they use food as their friend, their comfort, their peace of mind, and their need fullfiller. To say that fat people just need to put down the fork and start moving will cure the obesity problem is ridiculous. The obesity problem is because people don't move as much as they should, they have unhealthy relationships with food, and because healthy food is so much more expensive than unhealthy food. Not to mention that all food is really expensive now anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is even though I have gained back 10 lbs. I have not failed yet.  The only way that I can fail is if I let the eating disorder thing that I have win. The only way I have failed is if I don't keep trying. So the Atkins thing did not work for me at this time in my life. I have to find something that will. I may need something more extensive. I need something that can make me accountable. I am strongly leaning towards Weight Watchers. I know it is expensive. But when I figure how much junk I buy on the side every week it equals out to about the 10 dollars a week I would be spending on junk. And like school if I am really paying for it I won't want to pay that much money and fail.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable  of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.

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