The Only Friend You Will Ever Need

I have been going through a really hard battle lately. The battle of loneliness, emptiness, and depression. I have felt so isolated, but it has really been on my mind to find a friend. I have friends, a lot of friends, but I don't have a friend like Jesus. You see I believe that Jesus is my friend, my very best friend, because He loves me even with all the ugliness in my life. He is there whenever I need Him. He patiently waits for me to turn to Him. In those moments of loneliness and sadness we tend to forget that we have someone to turn to. I had forgotten about this dear friend of mine until Wednesday. It is funny how God works in our lives. We think we just can't take anymore of this crazy world, we have had enough, we are at the end of our rope, and something miraculous happens. I was in the emergency room on Wednesday morning. I had the worst headache ever, I have been fighting depression and sadness and honestly just feeling sorry for myself. My nurse came in to see what was going on, and he casually asked if I was ready for Christmas. The thought of Christmas this year is almost unbearable. I told him that I was actually dreading Christmas, my daughter was not going to be with me I was going to be lonely. After he came in with my nice medicated shot he said, You know I know that you feel like you are going to be all alone this Christmas, but I hope you realize we are never ever alone. He took this paper towel and folded it in many directions and I was kinda of thinking in my head well it was nice that he said that but a paper airplane isn't going to make it feel any better. He gave me the paper towel now shaped as a house and said now you hold on to this house, you think it is all empty and lonely, but now open up the house and you will see that it is filled with something more. So I opened this paper towel house up and it was a big cross. He told me that I was not alone that God was going to be with me. Even though it hurt now, God was going to be with me. Just that realization meant so much to me that day. I have been studying about what God tells us about His friendship. I want to share that with you. I want to share that with anyone who wants to listen. Because I know that not everyone in this world is happy, joyous, and merry during this season of life. I know that there are other people out  there struggling just like I have been. So this is what I have learned.
A friend is an intimate companion or associate; one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Jesus tells us in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you."
He also says in John 15:12-14 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
These verses tell us that we are God's friends. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Isn't it great to know that we have a great friend in Jesus? I believe it is a great thing to know, but it also makes me think of what kind of friend I am to Him. God warns us that we can not be friends of this world and a friend to him. In James 4:4 it clearly tell us, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
Often times we get mad at God for things that we do to ourselves. We expect God to be our friend at all times. And He is our ONLY true friend that will love us any way we are. And if we have that knowledge that God accepts us just as we are, and that He is our friend, how much more could we be blessed if we acted and behaved as friends to God. Is what God calls us to do so hard that we just can't do it? I don't think so. I think that we are so involved in the world and our lives, that we just don't have time for God. This world is a lonely place to so many people. I think it is because they don't realize that they are not alone. They don't realize that God desires to have a close friendship with us.
 So how do we get that close relationship with God? First, we have to let go of the worldly things that are keeping us separate from God. We have to repent of sins in our life, we have to ask God to come back into our life and restore what we have messed up. We have to ask for a desire and fire to burn within us to seek him. Next, we have to make time for God. That means finding time to pray, study God's word, and listen to what He is trying to tell you. It means having a worship time with God. It means finding ways to surround yourself with Godly people that will encourage you. It means making your relationship with God a priority. I have learned that when I do this in my life, everything seems to fall into place. It is very hard to stay on track though, and that is where constant prayer comes into play. You see God knows everything about us, but what do you truly know about God. If we don't take the time to learn about Him, then how do we expect to be blessed? We need to fall in love with God and maintain that precious bond. There is not a single thing that we can do, have done or will do that God does not know about, but He desires for us to talk to Him about it, and acknowledge it and seek help and guidance with overcoming our worldly desires and the stinking sin in our lives. The final thing that I think God wants us to do, is to be a friend to others. Teach them about the wonderful relationship that is waiting for them. As I am writing this I have to honestly say I have not followed this myself. But God is working on me and has put this on my heart. I think it is because I have been so lonely and sad, and God is showing me that I can have peace and joy if I fully rely on Him for my needs. We have a responsibility as Christians to reach out to the world around us. We have the power to change one person's life by taking a moment to smile at them, give them a hug, or just listening to them. We have such an opportunity in this hurting, crazy world to show them a glimpse of God, to tell of His love, and give them the best gift they have ever received. I am ready to reconnect with my friend Jesus, are you?
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

I have found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.

He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.

He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tower;
I have all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His power.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.

He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessèd will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessèd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll.

Because YOU loved me...

I have been very blessed to have people who love and care about me. People who have loved me when there wasn't much to love. People who have loved me when I couldn't love myself. People that have loved me enough to tell me the truth. People that have never given up on me. For some reason, God blessed me with family that continually gives me support and encouragement. People who see that this will be worth it when all is said and done. He has given me family that believes in me. And trust me having that family support is wonderful and great, but it just gets me thinking....if my family loves me and cares about me, how much more is the love of God.
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to  continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

It is Complicated

It has been a long while since I took some time to keep you guys updated. I feel like if I am open and honest about everything going on in my life that I may disappoint you. And for some of you, you may think I am coming up with excuses. There are no excuses when you know you need to lose weight and be healthy, unless you have a food addiction.
 After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.

Finding Myself, Figuring It Out, and Depending on Faith

One would think that at my tender age of 32 I would have my life figured out. I don't. I will be the first to tell you that. But what I am finding out about myself may be able to touch a lot of people and help them to know they are not alone in this really crazy, scary world. At first this blog was meant to keep me accountable and to tell my weightloss tale. But now that I have messed up the weight loss tale part maybe it was meant to be more than that. I have been watching the A&E show "Heavy" on Netflix this week. It is another one of those great ,inspiring weight loss shows. It is a little different because they send people to a weight loss resort where they eat the right food, have trainers, have pyschologists, and they have everything that they need at their finger tips. And even some of these people, who have everything that they need right there, still fail. They still don't lose weight. They still have eating disorders. I know many people think that eating disorders are just like anorexia and bulimia, but there are many other disorders. You have food addicts, bingers, and people who eat just to eat. You have people that might have starved as children, so they horde food as adults. You have people that feel like they have no body so they use food as their friend, their comfort, their peace of mind, and their need fullfiller. To say that fat people just need to put down the fork and start moving will cure the obesity problem is ridiculous. The obesity problem is because people don't move as much as they should, they have unhealthy relationships with food, and because healthy food is so much more expensive than unhealthy food. Not to mention that all food is really expensive now anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is even though I have gained back 10 lbs. I have not failed yet.  The only way that I can fail is if I let the eating disorder thing that I have win. The only way I have failed is if I don't keep trying. So the Atkins thing did not work for me at this time in my life. I have to find something that will. I may need something more extensive. I need something that can make me accountable. I am strongly leaning towards Weight Watchers. I know it is expensive. But when I figure how much junk I buy on the side every week it equals out to about the 10 dollars a week I would be spending on junk. And like school if I am really paying for it I won't want to pay that much money and fail.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable  of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.

Never too late to get back up again...

Wow I have let myself down and I have let those I have inspired down. But I am not perfect and no one has ever had a perfect journey except Jesus. I have pretty much threw the towel in on the atkins diet. Now I know that it works on me and for me, but I also know that I don't have that much money in my food budget.  And I have to be honest and real with myself. I could have done it, but I don't know if I could have lived that way forever. I am just going to try the old fashioned way. Measure stuff, exercising, and see what happens. I wish that it would all just magically fall off, but I know that I didn't gain all this weight in a day and I am not going lose it all in a short period of time. So bear with me. Help me. Encourage me.
I have gained back 11 lbs so far. I really don't want to gain back anymore. Things have been so crazy it is no wonder I turned to food. But I know it isn't healthy to turn to food and I know better. Sometime I feel like it is all I have. Anyway I am taking medicine and going to bed I have an awful sinus infection and upper respiratory thing going on and it is hard to breathe. Just know that I need your support and guidance..

It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

I Cheated...

So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I  hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!


Here is my 34 lbs less pic!

I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)