It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

I Cheated...

So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I  hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!


Here is my 34 lbs less pic!

I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)

Change is good...Right?

It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.

I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able  maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.

I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.

The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Well I have been busted a few times lately. People have called me out when I have been putting my mask up. I have talked about the mask before. The "I am ok" "put on my happy face" and the "everything is fine" mask. I am honestly going to tell you that right at the moment I do not feel that way. I do not feel hopeless or depressed, but I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel that there is so much going on in my life that I just need to breathe. This is what is going on, it is my life, and I am going to have to learn how to deal with the crazy life I have. I have to stop making excuses. I make excuses to not workout, I make excuses not to do stuff that I know needs to be done, and I make excuses to not take ownership of what happens in my life. I have made excuses to not get back where I need to be in the God department. This is where the diet and exercise thing gets complicated.
This week I found an excuse to closet eat. Now I haven't really had a problem with that since I turned this whole thing over to God. But as soon as I started to take on my emotions and feelings instead of turning it over to God, I ran to my good old friend food. Now I can say that it wasn't food that
I couldn't have, but a whole jar of olives, a bag of sugar free chocolate, and a beef stick was my friend and counselor that day.  It was just dumb stuff. I did catch what I was doing though and I haven't done it again.
As far as the weigh in goes I lost 1 lb. this week for a total of 33 lbs since June 1. Great things have happened because of this weight loss. A pair of my pants don't have to be unbuttoned to be removed...lol they can just pull on and off, my underwear keeps falling off my butt, and finally a towel can reach all the way around me. Granted it is a beach towel but still it isn't gaping open anymore. So I am proud of how far I have come, but I want to keep up the good work and not let anything get in the way.
I did get all the classes I need to apply for RN school in January. I will be taking a huge semester of microbiology, pathphysiology, nutrition, spanish and fitness walking. I am so scared about leaving my job and going back to school. I am scared about financial reasons, and just scared about not being able to do it. But I know that if I just trust God that He will take care of it. God is bigger than anything I have to face. He knows what is going to happen, and He know that we will make it through it if we just let Him do what He does. I pray that this week that I will stop making excuses and just depend upon God and His promises. He has such big plans for me and I just have to let Him mold me into what I should be.

Hard Trials

***Disclaimer: This blog may contain things in it that are not meant to intentionally hurt anyone, blame anyone, or make anyone feel bad. This blog contains my feelings and my perception of what was said and/or done.*****

This week has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long while. I have been overwhelmed with the task at hand and at times not sure what to do. I guess you could say I felt quite helpless. So I am just going to lay it out.
Ugh this is going to be so random and rumbling that I hope it makes some sense.
Starting from last Thursday thru Sunday everything was going pretty good. I got in two C25K workouts in, was doing a mile in 17 min. and following my diet great. Early Monday morning my mom had an accident. She was getting up to go to the bathroom and fell at around 3:30 a.m.. She does not remember falling, so the doctors think that she had a seizure. It took us a long time to get her up. And after we did she was in so much pain. I wanted to take her to the ER but she refused. I finally got her settled down about 4:30 a.m. She decided that around 7:00 am that she probably should go into the ER and we got her there. They did lots of tests and needless to say she spent until Thursday in the hospital. She had a slight concussion, UTI, and what looks like a seizure disorder. They also did testing on her heart and her diabetes got way out of control. My mom is one of the toughest ladies I know. She can tolerate pain, she walked on a broken leg for three days and didn't know it was broken, but she was in so much pain that she was crying. She still is in that kind of pain. It really hurts me and makes me feel so very helpless when she is in that kind of pain. I realized that this week our roles have reversed a little bit. I know when I was growing up she took care of me, held me when I was hurting, consoled me, made my hurts better, wiped my butt, gave me baths, and loved me regardless. It seems like now it is my turn to take care of her. I know that I have done that for a while, but it is at a new level. I would do anything for my momma. She is my best friend. I have a very special relationship with her as we have had each other's backs for awhile now. Honestly I am scared. I am fully aware that her health is declining. I know that one of these days she isn't going to be here anymore. It hurts me, scares me, and makes me think. I want her to have the best that life can give her right now. I want her to be happy and in no pain. I want her to be taken care of all the time.
This being said it has been a very emotional time for me this week. I have not worked out at all this week, unless you count pulling my momma up and down to help her to the bathroom or adjusting her in bed or if you count walking from the parking lot to the hospital room. I have followed my diet pretty much but unintentionally cheated on Tuesday when I at a small bag of cashews. I can have nuts but I didn't realize that those had 14 carbs in them. I weighed in on Wednesday and lost 5 lbs this week and made my first goal. I know that I was excited to make my goal, but I really didn't relish in it because my mind was on other things. I did cut my hair like I said I would and I like it. It is way different and short but I love it. I got the news about my financial aid this week, which did brighten my day because I was very worried about it.  I did get it so I will definitely be going to school in the fall. Things are changing so fast it is scary but God has been with me, will continue to be with me and HE has it all under control. He has taken care of my momma this week, taken care of my financial aid woes, helped me through the temptation of closet and emotional eating, and also blessed me with an unspoken need. God is faithful and I am thankful.

The Woman in the Mirror

That woman is enormous. That woman has rolls and rolls of flab. That woman will never be thin. That woman is ugly. That woman is in my head. That woman is probably in your head too. That woman does not discriminate. That woman doesn't care if you are black or white, short or tall, thin or fat, or ugly or pretty. She wants you to feel that you are not acceptable. She wants to rule over your thoughts and your body image so you feel that you will never be good enough.
Are we ever good enough? I guess it depends on who you want to be good enough for. If we want to be good enough for this world, we will probably never measure up. If we want to be good enough for God then we are already there. He takes us, accepts us, and loves us just as we are. And you know the great thing about it? He makes us more beautiful, more radiant, more loved and accepted than anyone in this world can. But He can't do that if we won't let Him. We have to accept who we are, who we have been, and who we can become. This has been on my mind a lot this week. I think mostly for innocent reasons. Maybe because I didn't realize how big I really was. Maybe because I miss sized a couple of my friends (sorry didn't mean to offend you) and maybe because I don't like mirrors and I have to look in one when I am working out. Have you been brave enough to look in the mirror? I mean really look in the mirror? I have a couple of times this week. Do I like what I see? Well it depends on what I am looking at. I have lost inches and pounds with my changed life and I do like to see that things are getting smaller. But I don't like that feeling that no matter what I lose I am not a pretty girl. I am pretty plain Jane. I am pasty and freckly. And I am balding. I wonder if I can ever get this shell of mine to match this beautiful person locked inside of me. The answer lies in how hard I want to work. The beauty that I want comes from God.  And though I haven't meant to, I have gotten wrapped up in changing my life without His help. I know that I need Him to do anything and I must work on that relationship before anything will work in my life.
So I lost 4 lbs this week for a total of 27 lbs in 7 weeks. I am 3 lbs away from my first goal. It is very exciting for me, but at the same time I know I slacked off in the couch to 5k thing this past week. I was very discouraged during the first workout of week 3 when I couldn't run the 3 min parts without stopping and breathing. I didn't go back again for 6 days. When I did I could run the first 3 min through and the second 3 mins. I had to stop and breathe. I was frustrated. But I am not giving up on this. This is something I have always wanted to do. And yes I make excuses and I get out of it. Just keep on me Mom. Annoy me make me mad, because that is what I need. I need to work on this. This week I have a new goal. I am going to do three c to 5k workouts, read my Bible everyday, and track my food. Please hold me accountable.
If that woman is bothering you, tell her to shut up! That through God you are beautiful. As a matter of fact there will never be a more beautiful you.

A Time for Change...

All I can say about this week is WOW! Last week I gained six pounds and was a little bit down about it, but as I figured I was retaining a lot of water. My doctor did decide to increase that medication so I would not be retaining much water. Also now since I am on week 3 of the c25k my legs are getting used to the running and don't seem near as sore (thus the inflammation and swelling is gone too). So I lost a total of 7 lbs this week. My six week total is 23 lbs. I weighed in on Monday and I was down to 278 but today I weighed 279. And I am OK with that. This journey is not always easy, I have seen some people try and give up, I have inspired people to try it out, and I have remained strong through many temptations.
The exercise amazes me. I have never really pushed my body the way I have been. Honestly the training is so intense for me because I am such a big chick. I sweat profusely. And this week is very hard because I have to run 3 minutes straight. Last night was my first training like that and I did try it but during my 3 min run I had to stop and breathe for about 30 seconds but I made it through the work out. I did a mile in 18:13 min. and I did 1.64 miles in 28 min. My time seems to improve every workout. It helps to have upbeat music and no interruptions. I am really looking forward to doing the Archer City Shortgrass Scamper in September and Race for the Cure in October. I have always wanted to be the runner instead of the walker and hopefully this year is the year to make it happen.
Not only has my lifestyle taken a change, but I am about to take a HUGE leap of faith in my life. I have decided to go back to college for my RN degree. What this means for me is the opportunity to make my life and my daughter's life better. It also gives me a chance to make this world a better place. My goal is to be a patient educator. I want to help people learn to control their illnesses and help them with their diets. This also mean that I have to leave a job that I love, and a family of friends and coworkers that I have been blessed to have for five years. It is a very heartbreaking situation for me. I do not like change, and I do not like uncertainty. Yesterday I was very upset about this change. I was fearful about not knowing what I was going to do, where I was going to get money to make it by and how I was supposed to everything that I needed to do. But today I have had peace about it. I know that God has this all under control. I also know that I am not saying goodbye to my friends and coworker family, I am just saying see ya soon. I know that they are all proud of me, that they believe in me, and that they will always be there for me.
This is all I got in me today. Thanks for reading.