The other day I had a thought cross through my mind. Being the stubborn, hard headed person that I can sometimes be, I have found myself traveling down a one way road the wrong way. I have not listened when others tried to tell me you might want to turn around now. You see when I took a poll of my Facebook friends I found out that everyone would rather be told to turn around than to have a head on collision. But if it were not a literal road that you were driving on, but a spiritual road would the answer be the same?
I have only literally driven down a one way road one time. My best friend was with me and we couldn't quite figure out why cars were waving at us and honking and then it clicked in my head I must be going the wrong way. However, spiritually I have been going down the road the wrong way, have been on the wrong road, and ended up in the wrong place, too many times. Too many times I did not listen to the warnings that friends, families, and even God tried to give me. I believe that I didn't listen because I might have felt they were judging me instead of loving me, because I am one of those people that has to do it myself to find out if it hurts (not so much anymore), and because I was rebelling.
Matthew 7:13-14 states:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Looks like we have a narrow road, and a wide road. I feel like many people Christians and non-Christians find themselves on that wide road. We want to be loving and accepting, but we also want to stand up for injustice. We want to go to church, but as long as we teach about how good we are and hear no gloom and doom. We want to leave church every Sunday for our weekly dose of God and hope it lasts throughout the week. We want God in our lives, but only when it is convenient or when we need something. We can give God two hours a week, but not a piece of our time every day. I am guilty of this. I miss the days of conviction in church. I miss preachers that aren't afraid to tell the truth. The truth hurts! Love sometimes hurts, too. I can't live thinking that no matter what I do everything is going to be nice and peachy with God. It isn't okay. I am grateful and thankful that I have God in my life, that I have accepted him as my Savior, and I know that He has forgiven me for my sins, but I look out into a world that thinks that everything is alright. I am trying to warn people about the wrong way. But my example has not been perfect. According to those who don't believe I am a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites.
Isaiah 59:8 states:
"The way of peace they do not know; there is no justice in their paths. They have turned them into crooked roads; no one who walks among them will know peace."
Our world is a scary place to be. It looks like we will never have peace. Thankfully if you have Jesus in your life you will know some peace. You have hope for an eternal future. But if not you will be dealing with the turmoil and fear from now on. Don't ignore the warning signs. Listen to your family and friends. Be accountable to one another. If you see your friend straying try to bring them back in. And constantly pray for this world we live in and the people who are in it. Lord knows we all need a fresh start!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Thursday, November 22, 2012
If it were only...
I know today is Thanksgiving. I know I have a ton to be thankful for. Throughout this day though I have focused on where I thought I would be. I have had a little pity party. I have a little depression going on. I know that there are people who have it way worse off than me, but I know a whole lot of people who have it better.
In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent.
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it.
In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent.
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Seeking
I had it on my heart to write tonight. I wasn't sure what the topic could be about. Just random thoughts but then it hit me. How when I was a child, I wanted to be grow up so fast. And how when I first became God's child, I grew up too fast. You see when I first met Jesus I was fifteen years old. I asked my mom one day why we didn't ever go to church. And I asked if we could go. That was just the beginning. I am not sure why God does stuff the way He does but when I was first saved I was on fire for God. I was witnessing to others, got my best friend to come to church, got people from my job to come to church and I felt I was really called by God to serve Him. Little did I know, that chaos was going to hit so soon. I remember sitting in the pews at church and listening to guest speakers come and talk about their testimonies. I looked at my best friend and said wow they have an awesome testimony, sure wish I had one. I really wish I would have kept my mouth shut that day!!
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on the inside while outside you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away.
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking.
Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only oneWho can undo what I've become
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on the inside while outside you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away.
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking.
Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only oneWho can undo what I've become
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Finally, I am finally writing again...
As a little girl, I loved reading and writing. I always thought that writing was an outlet of sorts and that I could let my imagination run rampant. I could have whatever my desire was when I was writing. I could make the story happy or sad. And as I have been going through life's struggles I realized that I just don't take the time I used to and write it all out. You know there are some things you just don't ever want to tell another person. But a piece of paper isn't going to tell on you. Well, unless you leave it in plain sight. But for me writing is an outlet. So as I have been going through this crazy journey called life I have realized that I really missed writing. So I had to go through finding my blog and where I had left off. Amazingly God is still working on me. So I just want to throw some thoughts out there and see what feedback I get.
Many of you taking the time out of your day to read this will hopefully give me some feedback. It is about mental illness. As a Christian, if you are suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or any other thing) should you not take medication and just pray that God will take it away, or should you take medication? I have had a few discussions on this topic with a variety of people, and I think it boils down to whether or not you have ever dealt with the illness yourself, or if you just have the notion that it is just in your head. For me personally, I suffer from depression. I happily take my medication. I don't refer to them as my happy pills because sometimes I am just not happy. I do not believe that I am trusting in medication more than I trust in God. I also do not believe that if I prayed harder, or did more that I wouldn't have this illness. I believe that God made me special, with all my problems, imperfections, and that He knows best. He provided me with a physician who knows what is going on and He made pharmaceutical medication to make me feel better. On the same note, I understand that some people do not believe this way. I understand that they think it is all in my head. I wonder though, is high blood pressure in my head? Is hypothyroidism in my head? Is diabetes in my mom's and brother's heads? Well, duh no of course not!! It is a real diagnosis. My depression is real. I wouldn't fake it. It costs me too much to fake. It causes me to hurt those I love sometimes. I don't mean it, but I say things that I shouldn't, I am exhausted a lot, I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I don't talk, I yell, and I just plain don't like me. I am so thankful that I don't live everyday like that. But if I didn't have God in my life, and my medication, I would. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't judge your brother or sister for their choices, either way. You have to do what is best for you and that my friends is between you and God.
Another thing that I have been working on is my relationship with God. You see I have been in this off again on again relationship with God. I am so very blessed and lucky that He is such a patient and understanding God. I had written an email to my youth director last week begging for prayer. I was at my wits end and asked doesn't God ever get tired of my wish washy self??!! She replied back and I replied back but she finally got through to me.... "Wanting and doing are two different things and only one of those brings results, but the rewards are great when you choose rightly." If I wanted to get close to God I had to do something. See that is the great thing about God. He works on you, He waits for you, He is there for you, and He watches over you, but He never ever forces himself upon you. You have to choose Him. I have seen where I have went wrong in my life by not choosing Him in everything. I am trying to be more conscious of my time. I am praying, and I am reading. And see the more I am trying, the harder the devil is trying to make it for me. But I have a secret...the devil is not holding me down anymore. I am done with his lies. That doesn't make me any better than the next person, just lucky enough now to see where I have went wrong and how I can make it better. You see because everyday is a new journey. We have the choice of where we want to go on that journey, who we are going with, and what we are going to do to make a difference.
So I have kind of not been feeling well lately, and I know it is because I have been stupid with my medical illness issues. I also know that many other single parents are out there and have to make hard choices sometimes concerning their health. But today I went to the doctor and I went out feeling about a zillion times better. My medication was going to cost me $369 this month. There was no way I could afford it. My doctor switched one of my medications to name brand because the generic was not working but then I found out it was $50 a month and that was not do able at the time. So I just didn't take it. Yes, you have my permission to call me stupid...it is thyroid medicine. So I have been off and on sick but the last three or four days I have been like crazy moody, crying, throwing up, head aching, dizzy, and sleepy. Yesterday at work it gets hard to breathe and I am crying for no reason so I went to the ER. My thyroid is supposed to be between .45 and 4.5 and mine is 53.5. Needless to say thyroid medicine is soon to be back in the cabinet. Like tomorrow. And me and my doctor found a way to get all the medicine I take for $20 a month for HBP and Depression and $20 for three months for thyroid and water pill. So I can afford that and am so very thankful God gave me such a great provider!!
I am really kind of sad that I won't get to go see my family this weekend. But I know that if it were meant to be it would be. I just am very blessed to have a loving family! And extended family, and friends that are like family. :) I was talking to my friends from the clinic today and they were saying something about another shining example of what happens when you leave the clinic. But I do have to say, it is lonely out here. You miss your friends every single day. You miss being about to just see their faces or hear their voices. You even miss the people that annoyed you the most. You get lost in the shuffle. It is okay and that is how life works, but some of you people I just love and want you to know that I am crazy about ya'll!! And for my new friends that I have met over just one year of school...I am crazy about you too! God has brought you all into my life either to show how not to be a crazy lunatic or to see that you can be crazy and still survive.
Many of you taking the time out of your day to read this will hopefully give me some feedback. It is about mental illness. As a Christian, if you are suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or any other thing) should you not take medication and just pray that God will take it away, or should you take medication? I have had a few discussions on this topic with a variety of people, and I think it boils down to whether or not you have ever dealt with the illness yourself, or if you just have the notion that it is just in your head. For me personally, I suffer from depression. I happily take my medication. I don't refer to them as my happy pills because sometimes I am just not happy. I do not believe that I am trusting in medication more than I trust in God. I also do not believe that if I prayed harder, or did more that I wouldn't have this illness. I believe that God made me special, with all my problems, imperfections, and that He knows best. He provided me with a physician who knows what is going on and He made pharmaceutical medication to make me feel better. On the same note, I understand that some people do not believe this way. I understand that they think it is all in my head. I wonder though, is high blood pressure in my head? Is hypothyroidism in my head? Is diabetes in my mom's and brother's heads? Well, duh no of course not!! It is a real diagnosis. My depression is real. I wouldn't fake it. It costs me too much to fake. It causes me to hurt those I love sometimes. I don't mean it, but I say things that I shouldn't, I am exhausted a lot, I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I don't talk, I yell, and I just plain don't like me. I am so thankful that I don't live everyday like that. But if I didn't have God in my life, and my medication, I would. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't judge your brother or sister for their choices, either way. You have to do what is best for you and that my friends is between you and God.
Another thing that I have been working on is my relationship with God. You see I have been in this off again on again relationship with God. I am so very blessed and lucky that He is such a patient and understanding God. I had written an email to my youth director last week begging for prayer. I was at my wits end and asked doesn't God ever get tired of my wish washy self??!! She replied back and I replied back but she finally got through to me.... "Wanting and doing are two different things and only one of those brings results, but the rewards are great when you choose rightly." If I wanted to get close to God I had to do something. See that is the great thing about God. He works on you, He waits for you, He is there for you, and He watches over you, but He never ever forces himself upon you. You have to choose Him. I have seen where I have went wrong in my life by not choosing Him in everything. I am trying to be more conscious of my time. I am praying, and I am reading. And see the more I am trying, the harder the devil is trying to make it for me. But I have a secret...the devil is not holding me down anymore. I am done with his lies. That doesn't make me any better than the next person, just lucky enough now to see where I have went wrong and how I can make it better. You see because everyday is a new journey. We have the choice of where we want to go on that journey, who we are going with, and what we are going to do to make a difference.
So I have kind of not been feeling well lately, and I know it is because I have been stupid with my medical illness issues. I also know that many other single parents are out there and have to make hard choices sometimes concerning their health. But today I went to the doctor and I went out feeling about a zillion times better. My medication was going to cost me $369 this month. There was no way I could afford it. My doctor switched one of my medications to name brand because the generic was not working but then I found out it was $50 a month and that was not do able at the time. So I just didn't take it. Yes, you have my permission to call me stupid...it is thyroid medicine. So I have been off and on sick but the last three or four days I have been like crazy moody, crying, throwing up, head aching, dizzy, and sleepy. Yesterday at work it gets hard to breathe and I am crying for no reason so I went to the ER. My thyroid is supposed to be between .45 and 4.5 and mine is 53.5. Needless to say thyroid medicine is soon to be back in the cabinet. Like tomorrow. And me and my doctor found a way to get all the medicine I take for $20 a month for HBP and Depression and $20 for three months for thyroid and water pill. So I can afford that and am so very thankful God gave me such a great provider!!
I am really kind of sad that I won't get to go see my family this weekend. But I know that if it were meant to be it would be. I just am very blessed to have a loving family! And extended family, and friends that are like family. :) I was talking to my friends from the clinic today and they were saying something about another shining example of what happens when you leave the clinic. But I do have to say, it is lonely out here. You miss your friends every single day. You miss being about to just see their faces or hear their voices. You even miss the people that annoyed you the most. You get lost in the shuffle. It is okay and that is how life works, but some of you people I just love and want you to know that I am crazy about ya'll!! And for my new friends that I have met over just one year of school...I am crazy about you too! God has brought you all into my life either to show how not to be a crazy lunatic or to see that you can be crazy and still survive.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Only Friend You Will Ever Need
I have been going through a really hard battle lately. The battle of loneliness, emptiness, and depression. I have felt so isolated, but it has really been on my mind to find a friend. I have friends, a lot of friends, but I don't have a friend like Jesus. You see I believe that Jesus is my friend, my very best friend, because He loves me even with all the ugliness in my life. He is there whenever I need Him. He patiently waits for me to turn to Him. In those moments of loneliness and sadness we tend to forget that we have someone to turn to. I had forgotten about this dear friend of mine until Wednesday. It is funny how God works in our lives. We think we just can't take anymore of this crazy world, we have had enough, we are at the end of our rope, and something miraculous happens. I was in the emergency room on Wednesday morning. I had the worst headache ever, I have been fighting depression and sadness and honestly just feeling sorry for myself. My nurse came in to see what was going on, and he casually asked if I was ready for Christmas. The thought of Christmas this year is almost unbearable. I told him that I was actually dreading Christmas, my daughter was not going to be with me I was going to be lonely. After he came in with my nice medicated shot he said, You know I know that you feel like you are going to be all alone this Christmas, but I hope you realize we are never ever alone. He took this paper towel and folded it in many directions and I was kinda of thinking in my head well it was nice that he said that but a paper airplane isn't going to make it feel any better. He gave me the paper towel now shaped as a house and said now you hold on to this house, you think it is all empty and lonely, but now open up the house and you will see that it is filled with something more. So I opened this paper towel house up and it was a big cross. He told me that I was not alone that God was going to be with me. Even though it hurt now, God was going to be with me. Just that realization meant so much to me that day. I have been studying about what God tells us about His friendship. I want to share that with you. I want to share that with anyone who wants to listen. Because I know that not everyone in this world is happy, joyous, and merry during this season of life. I know that there are other people out there struggling just like I have been. So this is what I have learned.
A friend is an intimate companion or associate; one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Jesus tells us in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you."
He also says in John 15:12-14 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
These verses tell us that we are God's friends. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Isn't it great to know that we have a great friend in Jesus? I believe it is a great thing to know, but it also makes me think of what kind of friend I am to Him. God warns us that we can not be friends of this world and a friend to him. In James 4:4 it clearly tell us, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
Often times we get mad at God for things that we do to ourselves. We expect God to be our friend at all times. And He is our ONLY true friend that will love us any way we are. And if we have that knowledge that God accepts us just as we are, and that He is our friend, how much more could we be blessed if we acted and behaved as friends to God. Is what God calls us to do so hard that we just can't do it? I don't think so. I think that we are so involved in the world and our lives, that we just don't have time for God. This world is a lonely place to so many people. I think it is because they don't realize that they are not alone. They don't realize that God desires to have a close friendship with us.
So how do we get that close relationship with God? First, we have to let go of the worldly things that are keeping us separate from God. We have to repent of sins in our life, we have to ask God to come back into our life and restore what we have messed up. We have to ask for a desire and fire to burn within us to seek him. Next, we have to make time for God. That means finding time to pray, study God's word, and listen to what He is trying to tell you. It means having a worship time with God. It means finding ways to surround yourself with Godly people that will encourage you. It means making your relationship with God a priority. I have learned that when I do this in my life, everything seems to fall into place. It is very hard to stay on track though, and that is where constant prayer comes into play. You see God knows everything about us, but what do you truly know about God. If we don't take the time to learn about Him, then how do we expect to be blessed? We need to fall in love with God and maintain that precious bond. There is not a single thing that we can do, have done or will do that God does not know about, but He desires for us to talk to Him about it, and acknowledge it and seek help and guidance with overcoming our worldly desires and the stinking sin in our lives. The final thing that I think God wants us to do, is to be a friend to others. Teach them about the wonderful relationship that is waiting for them. As I am writing this I have to honestly say I have not followed this myself. But God is working on me and has put this on my heart. I think it is because I have been so lonely and sad, and God is showing me that I can have peace and joy if I fully rely on Him for my needs. We have a responsibility as Christians to reach out to the world around us. We have the power to change one person's life by taking a moment to smile at them, give them a hug, or just listening to them. We have such an opportunity in this hurting, crazy world to show them a glimpse of God, to tell of His love, and give them the best gift they have ever received. I am ready to reconnect with my friend Jesus, are you?
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
A friend is an intimate companion or associate; one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Jesus tells us in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you."
He also says in John 15:12-14 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
These verses tell us that we are God's friends. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Isn't it great to know that we have a great friend in Jesus? I believe it is a great thing to know, but it also makes me think of what kind of friend I am to Him. God warns us that we can not be friends of this world and a friend to him. In James 4:4 it clearly tell us, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
Often times we get mad at God for things that we do to ourselves. We expect God to be our friend at all times. And He is our ONLY true friend that will love us any way we are. And if we have that knowledge that God accepts us just as we are, and that He is our friend, how much more could we be blessed if we acted and behaved as friends to God. Is what God calls us to do so hard that we just can't do it? I don't think so. I think that we are so involved in the world and our lives, that we just don't have time for God. This world is a lonely place to so many people. I think it is because they don't realize that they are not alone. They don't realize that God desires to have a close friendship with us.
So how do we get that close relationship with God? First, we have to let go of the worldly things that are keeping us separate from God. We have to repent of sins in our life, we have to ask God to come back into our life and restore what we have messed up. We have to ask for a desire and fire to burn within us to seek him. Next, we have to make time for God. That means finding time to pray, study God's word, and listen to what He is trying to tell you. It means having a worship time with God. It means finding ways to surround yourself with Godly people that will encourage you. It means making your relationship with God a priority. I have learned that when I do this in my life, everything seems to fall into place. It is very hard to stay on track though, and that is where constant prayer comes into play. You see God knows everything about us, but what do you truly know about God. If we don't take the time to learn about Him, then how do we expect to be blessed? We need to fall in love with God and maintain that precious bond. There is not a single thing that we can do, have done or will do that God does not know about, but He desires for us to talk to Him about it, and acknowledge it and seek help and guidance with overcoming our worldly desires and the stinking sin in our lives. The final thing that I think God wants us to do, is to be a friend to others. Teach them about the wonderful relationship that is waiting for them. As I am writing this I have to honestly say I have not followed this myself. But God is working on me and has put this on my heart. I think it is because I have been so lonely and sad, and God is showing me that I can have peace and joy if I fully rely on Him for my needs. We have a responsibility as Christians to reach out to the world around us. We have the power to change one person's life by taking a moment to smile at them, give them a hug, or just listening to them. We have such an opportunity in this hurting, crazy world to show them a glimpse of God, to tell of His love, and give them the best gift they have ever received. I am ready to reconnect with my friend Jesus, are you?
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
I have found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.
He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.
He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tower;
I have all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His power.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tower;
I have all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His power.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.
He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessèd will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessèd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll.
While I live by faith and do His blessèd will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessèd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Because YOU loved me...
I have been very blessed to have people who love and care about me. People who have loved me when there wasn't much to love. People who have loved me when I couldn't love myself. People that have loved me enough to tell me the truth. People that have never given up on me. For some reason, God blessed me with family that continually gives me support and encouragement. People who see that this will be worth it when all is said and done. He has given me family that believes in me. And trust me having that family support is wonderful and great, but it just gets me thinking....if my family loves me and cares about me, how much more is the love of God.
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Sunday, October 16, 2011
It is Complicated
It has been a long while since I took some time to keep you guys updated. I feel like if I am open and honest about everything going on in my life that I may disappoint you. And for some of you, you may think I am coming up with excuses. There are no excuses when you know you need to lose weight and be healthy, unless you have a food addiction.
After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.
After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.
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