2014 The Year Of Transformation...

I have said this many times in my life. It is time for a change. I am tired of being fat, I am tired of being tired, I am tired of living, and I am just going to accept that I am this or that. But this year, I have a great feeling that this is going to be my year. Let me tell you about one of the most exciting things that is going to happen this year: I will be done with nursing school in May. Now that being said, I know I will still have to find a nursing job and pass nursing boards, but you may not know how big of a sacrifice RN school has been and is. But in order for me to be the best nurse, person, mom, daughter, sister, and friend I can be I have to take care of this body. This is an entry into my journal after my first week of healthy eating and exercise:

" Well you have made it the whole week! You have been exercising and counting calories and are down 6 pounds. In your head you know that it is a good number, but in your heart you are wondering if this is really the time that it will work. You have got to stop doubting yourself! You are preparing to do your weight loss journey. You know that output has to be greater than what you are putting in. You know that on your own this will be like every other time...a failure. Try challenging yourself. Mind, body, and soul need a change. Focus on God. When your mind is focused on God and you are putting in an effort to pray and read His word your mindset will change. God wants all of you. Your soul needs the peace and joy that only He can give. Though food has taken control of your life, you have got to give it up! Yes you need food to live, but it doesn't have to control you. God wants your body-He lives in you- are you giving Him your best? NO you are not. Let go of all those past failures, the excess baggage, and the disappointments. You have a brand new life waiting for you. This year 2014 can be the year that you make permanent changes. You are ready for this. Love, Yourself"

Well now that the cat is out of the bag. I have a food problem. Yes I do. I know I do. But I started this online bible study called Made to Crave. I wrote this journal entry right before I started the OBS on the 19th. Doing my homework on it this week made me see that God was preparing me for this journey. I was already ready to start honoring God with my mind, body and soul. Going to church this morning and hearing the sermon on Romans 12 just confirmed that I have to honor God with my whole self. He gave himself for me. I should be willing to give myself to Him. Many people are going to embark on a weight loss journey. I don't know what their reasons are, but mine is just to be the best that I can be. My plan is simple. Watch my calorie intake and move more. It is working for me. The fitbit has been a wonderful tool for me. I get to see what I am eating...and see what I am burning off and where I can improve.
I jogged/walked my first 5k yesterday. I had so many mixed emotions on my way there. I hadn't really trained enough for it. I didn't really have the proper shoes. And when I first got there I felt like a cow in a herd of flamingos. But it didn't stop me. I started off jogging and jogged as far as I could..probably a quarter of a mile. Then I was speed walking. I was so thirsty when I got to the mile mark that I thought I was going to die. I was listening to my workout music which pretty much consists of Mandisa, Jamie Grace, Mercy Me, and Toby Mac. Trying to just keep up a good pace because I wanted to make it in a hour. Get to about a mile and half and they have a dixie cup of water for us to drink. I wanted to put my head under the five gallon spout and drink up but took my water instead. This is where mentally it got hard for me. I wanted to burst out in tears. Like I felt the tears coming, but stuffled them down.  First, I was overwhelmed that I was actually doing it. Secondly, I borrowed a pair of shoes cause my regular pair were tore up. My feet were killing me. My side was hurting. Thirdly, I was alone and left to my negative thoughts. Thinking that I was stupid for signing up for this, I was going to be the slowest person there, I wasn't good enough, and I should just give up and take the short cut back. I looked up and ahead of me and saw this man and his son. This man was older and bigger than me. He didn't give up. He hardly walked. He jogged most of the way. He inspired me to keep going. Though I had inspiration from this man, I did get to the point where I started praying. I was a little past the mile 2 mark by this point. My feet hurt, I knew I had a blister on my heel, I wasn't breathing the right way, and I was tired. I just told God that I couldn't make it on my own. There was no way I could make it back without Him. I can't move another step without you carrying me. Then I started jogging and it wasn't as painful. I got to the corner and walked a little more. Mandisa's Overcomer song came on and I started jogging the last half mile. My friend Anita met me half way and finished up with me. But I know the only way I finished that 5k was by God himself carrying me and giving me the strength to do it. I made it across the finish line in 50 minutes and 32 seconds. I wanted to cry then because I had beat my time and because it was over!
I know to many of you it does sound cheesy to bother God with stuff like diet and exercise. But you know what, God cares about it. God care about what we do to our bodies, and He expects us to take care of them. It is my goal this year to be the best I can be for Him...and only Him.

This is before the race and with my encourager, Anita!

This is after the race and with my encourager, Anita. My eye is certainly funky!!

Lies I tell myself...

Single parenting is hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, financially, and no one understands unless that have been there. I am learning that I have probably not been the best parent to my child because of all the emotional baggage I carried around from my relationship with her father. My self esteem and self worth have been very low, and I don't want my daughter to deal with those issues. I want her to have a happy, healthy relationship with both of her parents. I want her to not feel like she is in the middle. I don't want her to worry about hurting one of us, if she likes the other one. But most of all, I want her parents to work together to provide her with stability. I want us to have the same rules. I want her to know she is loved by both parents. I just do not know how to make that happen.

It started on Wednesday. I was looking at the baby section of the store trying to find a baby outfit for Abby to give her baby brother. Using her allowance money, she wanted to get her new brother something special. That is when I started re-living my past. That is where the root of envy began. That is where I threw everything that I know is true and right about myself out the window. 

You see I could tell you over and over again that I wasn't jealous of Abby's dad and girlfriend, I could say it didn't hurt, and I could say that it is their life it doesn't affect me. But every single bit of those statements were a big lie. I did realize (today in fact), that I was envious of Abby's dad and girlfriend. For one they just had a baby, and I can never have another one. Another reason, they have each other to raise a baby with, they are not doing it on their own. And probably the reason that really bothers me the most is why wasn't I good enough to stay with when I had his baby? He never gave us a chance. And because I don't have an answer to that question I think that I will wonder about it until I realize that the problem was not with me, it was with him. I was really excited for Abby's dad and his girlfriend to find out about parenting. Thinking finally he will see what I went through by myself. But now I know he won't ever realize it because he has someone helping him!

The baggage that I decided to pick back up brought all that pain and hurt to the surface again. Part of me is truly scared that Abby will want to leave me to live with her dad because he has a normal family. They have the money, the house, the cars, the material things and I just have me. I have struggled since I have had her to do the best for her that I can, but I can't give her what they can. Another part of me knows that she loves me and she is learning how to love others because of what I have taught her. She knows that even if we don't have much, we have each other. She knows that she has a mom who isn't afraid to act silly, play barbies, and spend time with her. She sees me as her momma. She doesn't feel the same way about her dad. She is afraid of him.

 Another piece of that baggage, is the way I feel about me. I have cried and sobbed wondering why I wasn't good enough to be loved.  Why at 34 years old I have never been in a realtionship where I was "in love". I have been in relationships where I loved someone, but not in a relationship where they loved me back. I don't know what that feels like. I don't understand why so many other people find it and give up on it, and people like me never get it. I am beginning to understand that in order to be loved, you have to open yourself up and accept it. There is no greater love than the love of God. I want to start focusing on who I am in Him, and the love that He has for me. God doesn't want me to hate myself. God doesn't want me to envy others. God wants me to give Him those heavy burdens. He wants me for me, just as I am. He loves me warts and all. 

It seems that as I try to draw nearer to God, Satan tries throw this stuff in my face. One day I will be strong enough to say I am done with heavy load. You can have it. Me and God have something bigger and better. 

The Investment of a Lifetime

For the longest time I have only been able to see the struggle of life. You know the struggle of making it through each day, the Monday morning wake ups, the kids fighting,and arguing about what to have for dinner. Sometimes it was just a struggle to keep one foot in front of the other. Some days you are ready to give up and other days they are just great. But it is all part of the battle of life. 
I have been a Christian since I was 15 years old. And I have been a backslider for many years. I wasted so much time trying to be something and someone that God knew I couldn't be. I am not sure why things work as they do, but God knows. I am not sure why until about two months ago I didn't realize that God through Jesus has forgiven me for everything in my past, all my sins now, and all the sins I have yet to commit. God knows that His son was the only perfect person. He desires for me to strive to be like His precious son, but knows that I will fall short. But the biggest thing that I didn't realize 19 years ago was that every single day I have to make the commitment to follow Jesus. I have to make the time to seek His face. I can't just say that I am a Christian and go on my merry little way doing whatever I want. Trust me it didn't work well for me!! So I am learning as I invest my time in Him, that the struggle isn't quite as hard. I have joy and peace that I haven't had in a long time.
Not only spiritually, but God has made me strong physically. I have physically done things that I didn't know I was capable of, but the way I made it through was by praying for the strength. I have a long ways to go both in my spiritual life and physical life, but now I know that as long as I am investing in the right things (God, reading the word, prayer) God will take care of the rest. 
I encourage you if you are struggling with life, to just let go of that burden. Invest your energy into not carrying around the burdens of life,but to telling God about those burdens. Turn them over to the one that can do something about it. Remember if there is nothing you can do about it, then don't worry about it. Give it to God and pray for peace. And no matter how tempted you are do not take it back and start worrying about it again. God tells us to come to Him when we are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest. That is the truth my friends. Invest your time and energy in God and see what He can do. I guarantee it is the best investment you will ever make! 

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14

One Way Road

The other day I had a thought cross through my mind. Being the stubborn, hard headed person that I can sometimes be, I have found myself traveling down a one way road the wrong way. I have not listened when others tried to tell me you might want to turn around now. You see when I took a poll of my Facebook friends I found out that everyone would rather be told to turn around than to have a head on collision. But if it were not a literal road that you were driving on, but a spiritual road would the answer be the same?
I have only literally driven down a one way road one time. My best friend was with me and we couldn't quite figure out why cars were waving at us and honking and then it clicked in my head I must be going the wrong way. However, spiritually I have been going down the road the wrong way, have been on the wrong road, and ended up in the wrong place, too many times. Too many times I did not listen to the warnings that friends, families, and even God tried to give me. I believe that I didn't listen because I might have felt they were judging me instead of loving me, because I am one of those people that has to do it myself to find out if it hurts (not so much anymore), and because I was rebelling. 
Matthew 7:13-14 states:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Looks like we have a narrow road, and a wide road. I feel like many people Christians and non-Christians find themselves on that wide road. We want to be loving and accepting, but we also want to stand up for injustice. We want to go to church, but as long as we teach about how good we are and hear no gloom and doom. We want to leave church every Sunday for our weekly dose of God and hope it lasts throughout the week. We want God in our lives, but only when it is convenient or when we need something. We can give God two hours a week, but not a piece of our time every day. I am guilty of this. I miss the days of conviction in church. I miss preachers that aren't afraid to tell the truth. The truth hurts! Love sometimes hurts, too. I can't live thinking that no matter what I do everything is going to be nice and peachy with God. It isn't okay. I am grateful and thankful that I have God in my life, that I have accepted him as my Savior, and I know that He has forgiven me for my sins, but I look out into a world that thinks that everything is alright. I am trying to warn people about the wrong way. But my example has not been perfect. According to those who don't believe I am a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites. 
Isaiah 59:8 states:
"The way of peace they do not know; there is no justice in their paths. They have turned them into crooked roads; no one who walks among them will know peace."
Our world is a scary place to be. It looks like we will never have peace. Thankfully if you have Jesus in your life you will know some peace. You have hope for an eternal future. But if not you will be dealing with the turmoil and fear from now on. Don't ignore the warning signs. Listen to your family and friends. Be accountable to one another. If you see your friend straying try to bring them back in. And constantly pray for this world we live in and the people who are in it. Lord knows we all need a fresh start!! 

If it were only...

I know today is Thanksgiving. I know I have a ton to be thankful for. Throughout this day though I have focused on where I thought I would be. I have had a little pity party. I have a little depression going on. I know that there are people who have it way worse off than me, but I know a whole lot of people who have it better.
 In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent. 
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it. 

Seeking

I had it on my heart to write tonight. I wasn't sure what the topic could be about. Just random thoughts but then it hit me. How when I was a child, I wanted to be grow up so fast. And how when I first became God's child, I grew up too fast. You see when I first met Jesus I was fifteen years old. I asked my mom one day why we didn't ever go to church. And I asked if we could go. That was just the beginning. I am not sure why God does stuff the way He does but when I was first saved I was on fire for God. I was witnessing to others, got my best friend to come to church, got people from my job to come to church and I felt I was really called by God to serve Him. Little did I know, that chaos was going to hit so soon. I remember sitting in the pews at church and listening to guest speakers come and talk about their testimonies. I looked at my best friend and said wow they have an awesome testimony, sure wish I had one. I really wish I would have kept my mouth shut that day!! 
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things  I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in  the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on  the inside while outside  you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away. 
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know  if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit  suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking. 


Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only oneWho can undo what I've become 

Finally, I am finally writing again...

As a little girl, I loved reading and writing. I always thought that writing was an outlet of sorts and that I could let my imagination run rampant. I could have whatever my desire was when I was writing. I could make the story happy or sad. And as I have been going through life's struggles I realized that I just don't take the time I used to and write it all out. You know there are some things you just don't ever want to tell another person. But a piece of paper isn't going to tell on you. Well, unless you leave it in plain sight. But for me writing is an outlet. So as I have been going through this crazy journey called life I have realized that I really missed writing. So I had to go through finding my blog and where I had left off. Amazingly God is still working on me. So I just want to throw some thoughts out there and see what feedback I get. 
Many of you taking the time out of your day to read this will hopefully give me some feedback. It is about mental illness. As a Christian, if you are suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or any other thing) should you not take medication and just pray that God will take it away, or should you take medication? I have had a few discussions on this topic with a variety of people, and I think it boils down to whether or not you have ever dealt with the illness yourself, or if you just have the notion that it is just in your head. For me personally, I suffer from depression. I happily take my medication. I don't refer to them as my happy pills because sometimes I am just not happy. I do not believe that I am trusting in medication more than I trust in God. I also do not believe that if I prayed harder, or did more that I wouldn't have this illness. I believe that God made me special, with all my problems, imperfections, and that He knows best. He provided me with a physician who knows what is going on and He made pharmaceutical medication to make me feel better.  On the same note, I understand that some people do not believe this way. I understand that they think it is all in my head. I wonder though, is high blood pressure in my head? Is hypothyroidism in my head? Is diabetes in my mom's and brother's heads? Well, duh no of course not!! It is a real diagnosis.  My depression is real. I wouldn't fake it. It costs me too much to fake. It causes me to hurt those I love sometimes. I don't mean it, but I say things that I shouldn't, I am exhausted a lot, I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I don't talk, I yell, and I just plain don't like me. I am so thankful that I don't live everyday like that. But if I didn't have God in my life, and my medication, I would. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't judge your brother or sister for their choices, either way. You have to do what is best for you and that my friends is between you and God. 
Another thing that I have been working on is my relationship with God. You see I have been in this off again on again relationship with God. I am so very blessed and lucky that He is such a patient and understanding God. I had written an email to my youth director last week begging for prayer. I was at my wits end and asked doesn't God ever get tired of my wish washy self??!!  She replied back and I replied back but she finally got through to me.... "Wanting and doing are two different things and only one of those brings results, but the rewards are great when you choose rightly."  If I wanted to get close to God I had to do something. See that is the great thing about God. He works on you, He waits for you, He is there for you, and He watches over you, but He never ever forces himself upon you. You have to choose Him. I have seen where I have went wrong in my life by not choosing Him in everything. I am trying to be more conscious of my time. I am praying, and I am reading. And see the more I am trying, the harder the devil is trying to make it for me. But I have a secret...the devil is not holding me down anymore. I am done with his lies. That doesn't make me any better than the next person, just lucky enough now to see where I have went wrong and how I can make it better. You see because everyday is a new journey. We have the choice of where we want to go on that journey, who we are going with, and what we are going to do to make a difference. 
So I have kind of not been feeling well lately, and I know it is because I have been stupid with my medical illness issues. I also know that many other single parents are out there and have to make hard choices sometimes concerning their health. But today I went to the doctor and I went out feeling about a zillion times better. My medication was going to cost me $369 this month. There was no way I could afford it. My doctor switched one of my medications to name brand because the generic was not working but then I found out it was $50 a month and that was not do able at the time. So I just didn't take it. Yes, you have my permission to call me stupid...it is thyroid medicine. So I have been off and on sick but the last three or four days I have been like crazy moody, crying, throwing up, head aching, dizzy, and sleepy. Yesterday at work it gets hard to breathe and I am crying for no reason so I went to the ER. My thyroid is supposed to be between .45 and 4.5 and mine is 53.5. Needless to say thyroid medicine is soon to be back in the cabinet. Like tomorrow. And me and my doctor found a way to get all the medicine I take for $20 a month for HBP and Depression and $20 for three months for thyroid and water pill. So I can afford that and am so very thankful God gave me such a great provider!! 
I am really kind of sad that I won't get to go see my family this weekend. But I know that if it were meant to be it would be. I just am very blessed to have a loving family! And extended family, and friends that are like family. :) I was talking to my friends from the clinic today and they were saying something about another shining example of what happens when you leave the clinic. But I do have to say, it is lonely out here. You miss your friends every single day. You miss being about to just see their faces or hear their voices. You even miss the people that annoyed you the most. You get lost in the shuffle. It is okay and that is how life works, but some of you people I just love and want you to know that I am crazy about ya'll!! And for my new friends that I have met over just one year of school...I am crazy about you too! God has brought you all into my life either to show how not to be a crazy lunatic or to see that you can be crazy and still survive.

The Only Friend You Will Ever Need

I have been going through a really hard battle lately. The battle of loneliness, emptiness, and depression. I have felt so isolated, but it has really been on my mind to find a friend. I have friends, a lot of friends, but I don't have a friend like Jesus. You see I believe that Jesus is my friend, my very best friend, because He loves me even with all the ugliness in my life. He is there whenever I need Him. He patiently waits for me to turn to Him. In those moments of loneliness and sadness we tend to forget that we have someone to turn to. I had forgotten about this dear friend of mine until Wednesday. It is funny how God works in our lives. We think we just can't take anymore of this crazy world, we have had enough, we are at the end of our rope, and something miraculous happens. I was in the emergency room on Wednesday morning. I had the worst headache ever, I have been fighting depression and sadness and honestly just feeling sorry for myself. My nurse came in to see what was going on, and he casually asked if I was ready for Christmas. The thought of Christmas this year is almost unbearable. I told him that I was actually dreading Christmas, my daughter was not going to be with me I was going to be lonely. After he came in with my nice medicated shot he said, You know I know that you feel like you are going to be all alone this Christmas, but I hope you realize we are never ever alone. He took this paper towel and folded it in many directions and I was kinda of thinking in my head well it was nice that he said that but a paper airplane isn't going to make it feel any better. He gave me the paper towel now shaped as a house and said now you hold on to this house, you think it is all empty and lonely, but now open up the house and you will see that it is filled with something more. So I opened this paper towel house up and it was a big cross. He told me that I was not alone that God was going to be with me. Even though it hurt now, God was going to be with me. Just that realization meant so much to me that day. I have been studying about what God tells us about His friendship. I want to share that with you. I want to share that with anyone who wants to listen. Because I know that not everyone in this world is happy, joyous, and merry during this season of life. I know that there are other people out  there struggling just like I have been. So this is what I have learned.
A friend is an intimate companion or associate; one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Jesus tells us in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you."
He also says in John 15:12-14 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
These verses tell us that we are God's friends. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Isn't it great to know that we have a great friend in Jesus? I believe it is a great thing to know, but it also makes me think of what kind of friend I am to Him. God warns us that we can not be friends of this world and a friend to him. In James 4:4 it clearly tell us, "You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."
Often times we get mad at God for things that we do to ourselves. We expect God to be our friend at all times. And He is our ONLY true friend that will love us any way we are. And if we have that knowledge that God accepts us just as we are, and that He is our friend, how much more could we be blessed if we acted and behaved as friends to God. Is what God calls us to do so hard that we just can't do it? I don't think so. I think that we are so involved in the world and our lives, that we just don't have time for God. This world is a lonely place to so many people. I think it is because they don't realize that they are not alone. They don't realize that God desires to have a close friendship with us.
 So how do we get that close relationship with God? First, we have to let go of the worldly things that are keeping us separate from God. We have to repent of sins in our life, we have to ask God to come back into our life and restore what we have messed up. We have to ask for a desire and fire to burn within us to seek him. Next, we have to make time for God. That means finding time to pray, study God's word, and listen to what He is trying to tell you. It means having a worship time with God. It means finding ways to surround yourself with Godly people that will encourage you. It means making your relationship with God a priority. I have learned that when I do this in my life, everything seems to fall into place. It is very hard to stay on track though, and that is where constant prayer comes into play. You see God knows everything about us, but what do you truly know about God. If we don't take the time to learn about Him, then how do we expect to be blessed? We need to fall in love with God and maintain that precious bond. There is not a single thing that we can do, have done or will do that God does not know about, but He desires for us to talk to Him about it, and acknowledge it and seek help and guidance with overcoming our worldly desires and the stinking sin in our lives. The final thing that I think God wants us to do, is to be a friend to others. Teach them about the wonderful relationship that is waiting for them. As I am writing this I have to honestly say I have not followed this myself. But God is working on me and has put this on my heart. I think it is because I have been so lonely and sad, and God is showing me that I can have peace and joy if I fully rely on Him for my needs. We have a responsibility as Christians to reach out to the world around us. We have the power to change one person's life by taking a moment to smile at them, give them a hug, or just listening to them. We have such an opportunity in this hurting, crazy world to show them a glimpse of God, to tell of His love, and give them the best gift they have ever received. I am ready to reconnect with my friend Jesus, are you?
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

I have found a friend in Jesus, He’s everything to me,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul;
The Lily of the Valley, in Him alone I see
All I need to cleanse and make me fully whole.
In sorrow He’s my comfort, in trouble He’s my stay;
He tells me every care on Him to roll.

He’s the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star,
He’s the fairest of ten thousand to my soul.

He all my grief has taken, and all my sorrows borne;
In temptation He’s my strong and mighty tower;
I have all for Him forsaken, and all my idols torn
From my heart and now He keeps me by His power.
Though all the world forsake me, and Satan tempt me sore,
Through Jesus I shall safely reach the goal.

He will never, never leave me, nor yet forsake me here,
While I live by faith and do His blessèd will;
A wall of fire about me, I’ve nothing now to fear,
From His manna He my hungry soul shall fill.
Then sweeping up to glory to see His blessèd face,
Where the rivers of delight shall ever roll.

Because YOU loved me...

I have been very blessed to have people who love and care about me. People who have loved me when there wasn't much to love. People who have loved me when I couldn't love myself. People that have loved me enough to tell me the truth. People that have never given up on me. For some reason, God blessed me with family that continually gives me support and encouragement. People who see that this will be worth it when all is said and done. He has given me family that believes in me. And trust me having that family support is wonderful and great, but it just gets me thinking....if my family loves me and cares about me, how much more is the love of God.
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to  continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

It is Complicated

It has been a long while since I took some time to keep you guys updated. I feel like if I am open and honest about everything going on in my life that I may disappoint you. And for some of you, you may think I am coming up with excuses. There are no excuses when you know you need to lose weight and be healthy, unless you have a food addiction.
 After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.

Finding Myself, Figuring It Out, and Depending on Faith

One would think that at my tender age of 32 I would have my life figured out. I don't. I will be the first to tell you that. But what I am finding out about myself may be able to touch a lot of people and help them to know they are not alone in this really crazy, scary world. At first this blog was meant to keep me accountable and to tell my weightloss tale. But now that I have messed up the weight loss tale part maybe it was meant to be more than that. I have been watching the A&E show "Heavy" on Netflix this week. It is another one of those great ,inspiring weight loss shows. It is a little different because they send people to a weight loss resort where they eat the right food, have trainers, have pyschologists, and they have everything that they need at their finger tips. And even some of these people, who have everything that they need right there, still fail. They still don't lose weight. They still have eating disorders. I know many people think that eating disorders are just like anorexia and bulimia, but there are many other disorders. You have food addicts, bingers, and people who eat just to eat. You have people that might have starved as children, so they horde food as adults. You have people that feel like they have no body so they use food as their friend, their comfort, their peace of mind, and their need fullfiller. To say that fat people just need to put down the fork and start moving will cure the obesity problem is ridiculous. The obesity problem is because people don't move as much as they should, they have unhealthy relationships with food, and because healthy food is so much more expensive than unhealthy food. Not to mention that all food is really expensive now anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is even though I have gained back 10 lbs. I have not failed yet.  The only way that I can fail is if I let the eating disorder thing that I have win. The only way I have failed is if I don't keep trying. So the Atkins thing did not work for me at this time in my life. I have to find something that will. I may need something more extensive. I need something that can make me accountable. I am strongly leaning towards Weight Watchers. I know it is expensive. But when I figure how much junk I buy on the side every week it equals out to about the 10 dollars a week I would be spending on junk. And like school if I am really paying for it I won't want to pay that much money and fail.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable  of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.

Never too late to get back up again...

Wow I have let myself down and I have let those I have inspired down. But I am not perfect and no one has ever had a perfect journey except Jesus. I have pretty much threw the towel in on the atkins diet. Now I know that it works on me and for me, but I also know that I don't have that much money in my food budget.  And I have to be honest and real with myself. I could have done it, but I don't know if I could have lived that way forever. I am just going to try the old fashioned way. Measure stuff, exercising, and see what happens. I wish that it would all just magically fall off, but I know that I didn't gain all this weight in a day and I am not going lose it all in a short period of time. So bear with me. Help me. Encourage me.
I have gained back 11 lbs so far. I really don't want to gain back anymore. Things have been so crazy it is no wonder I turned to food. But I know it isn't healthy to turn to food and I know better. Sometime I feel like it is all I have. Anyway I am taking medicine and going to bed I have an awful sinus infection and upper respiratory thing going on and it is hard to breathe. Just know that I need your support and guidance..

It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing

Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head.  I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!

I Cheated...

So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I  hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!


Here is my 34 lbs less pic!

I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)

Change is good...Right?

It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.

I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able  maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.

I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.

The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Well I have been busted a few times lately. People have called me out when I have been putting my mask up. I have talked about the mask before. The "I am ok" "put on my happy face" and the "everything is fine" mask. I am honestly going to tell you that right at the moment I do not feel that way. I do not feel hopeless or depressed, but I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel that there is so much going on in my life that I just need to breathe. This is what is going on, it is my life, and I am going to have to learn how to deal with the crazy life I have. I have to stop making excuses. I make excuses to not workout, I make excuses not to do stuff that I know needs to be done, and I make excuses to not take ownership of what happens in my life. I have made excuses to not get back where I need to be in the God department. This is where the diet and exercise thing gets complicated.
This week I found an excuse to closet eat. Now I haven't really had a problem with that since I turned this whole thing over to God. But as soon as I started to take on my emotions and feelings instead of turning it over to God, I ran to my good old friend food. Now I can say that it wasn't food that
I couldn't have, but a whole jar of olives, a bag of sugar free chocolate, and a beef stick was my friend and counselor that day.  It was just dumb stuff. I did catch what I was doing though and I haven't done it again.
As far as the weigh in goes I lost 1 lb. this week for a total of 33 lbs since June 1. Great things have happened because of this weight loss. A pair of my pants don't have to be unbuttoned to be removed...lol they can just pull on and off, my underwear keeps falling off my butt, and finally a towel can reach all the way around me. Granted it is a beach towel but still it isn't gaping open anymore. So I am proud of how far I have come, but I want to keep up the good work and not let anything get in the way.
I did get all the classes I need to apply for RN school in January. I will be taking a huge semester of microbiology, pathphysiology, nutrition, spanish and fitness walking. I am so scared about leaving my job and going back to school. I am scared about financial reasons, and just scared about not being able to do it. But I know that if I just trust God that He will take care of it. God is bigger than anything I have to face. He knows what is going to happen, and He know that we will make it through it if we just let Him do what He does. I pray that this week that I will stop making excuses and just depend upon God and His promises. He has such big plans for me and I just have to let Him mold me into what I should be.

Hard Trials

***Disclaimer: This blog may contain things in it that are not meant to intentionally hurt anyone, blame anyone, or make anyone feel bad. This blog contains my feelings and my perception of what was said and/or done.*****

This week has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long while. I have been overwhelmed with the task at hand and at times not sure what to do. I guess you could say I felt quite helpless. So I am just going to lay it out.
Ugh this is going to be so random and rumbling that I hope it makes some sense.
Starting from last Thursday thru Sunday everything was going pretty good. I got in two C25K workouts in, was doing a mile in 17 min. and following my diet great. Early Monday morning my mom had an accident. She was getting up to go to the bathroom and fell at around 3:30 a.m.. She does not remember falling, so the doctors think that she had a seizure. It took us a long time to get her up. And after we did she was in so much pain. I wanted to take her to the ER but she refused. I finally got her settled down about 4:30 a.m. She decided that around 7:00 am that she probably should go into the ER and we got her there. They did lots of tests and needless to say she spent until Thursday in the hospital. She had a slight concussion, UTI, and what looks like a seizure disorder. They also did testing on her heart and her diabetes got way out of control. My mom is one of the toughest ladies I know. She can tolerate pain, she walked on a broken leg for three days and didn't know it was broken, but she was in so much pain that she was crying. She still is in that kind of pain. It really hurts me and makes me feel so very helpless when she is in that kind of pain. I realized that this week our roles have reversed a little bit. I know when I was growing up she took care of me, held me when I was hurting, consoled me, made my hurts better, wiped my butt, gave me baths, and loved me regardless. It seems like now it is my turn to take care of her. I know that I have done that for a while, but it is at a new level. I would do anything for my momma. She is my best friend. I have a very special relationship with her as we have had each other's backs for awhile now. Honestly I am scared. I am fully aware that her health is declining. I know that one of these days she isn't going to be here anymore. It hurts me, scares me, and makes me think. I want her to have the best that life can give her right now. I want her to be happy and in no pain. I want her to be taken care of all the time.
This being said it has been a very emotional time for me this week. I have not worked out at all this week, unless you count pulling my momma up and down to help her to the bathroom or adjusting her in bed or if you count walking from the parking lot to the hospital room. I have followed my diet pretty much but unintentionally cheated on Tuesday when I at a small bag of cashews. I can have nuts but I didn't realize that those had 14 carbs in them. I weighed in on Wednesday and lost 5 lbs this week and made my first goal. I know that I was excited to make my goal, but I really didn't relish in it because my mind was on other things. I did cut my hair like I said I would and I like it. It is way different and short but I love it. I got the news about my financial aid this week, which did brighten my day because I was very worried about it.  I did get it so I will definitely be going to school in the fall. Things are changing so fast it is scary but God has been with me, will continue to be with me and HE has it all under control. He has taken care of my momma this week, taken care of my financial aid woes, helped me through the temptation of closet and emotional eating, and also blessed me with an unspoken need. God is faithful and I am thankful.

The Woman in the Mirror

That woman is enormous. That woman has rolls and rolls of flab. That woman will never be thin. That woman is ugly. That woman is in my head. That woman is probably in your head too. That woman does not discriminate. That woman doesn't care if you are black or white, short or tall, thin or fat, or ugly or pretty. She wants you to feel that you are not acceptable. She wants to rule over your thoughts and your body image so you feel that you will never be good enough.
Are we ever good enough? I guess it depends on who you want to be good enough for. If we want to be good enough for this world, we will probably never measure up. If we want to be good enough for God then we are already there. He takes us, accepts us, and loves us just as we are. And you know the great thing about it? He makes us more beautiful, more radiant, more loved and accepted than anyone in this world can. But He can't do that if we won't let Him. We have to accept who we are, who we have been, and who we can become. This has been on my mind a lot this week. I think mostly for innocent reasons. Maybe because I didn't realize how big I really was. Maybe because I miss sized a couple of my friends (sorry didn't mean to offend you) and maybe because I don't like mirrors and I have to look in one when I am working out. Have you been brave enough to look in the mirror? I mean really look in the mirror? I have a couple of times this week. Do I like what I see? Well it depends on what I am looking at. I have lost inches and pounds with my changed life and I do like to see that things are getting smaller. But I don't like that feeling that no matter what I lose I am not a pretty girl. I am pretty plain Jane. I am pasty and freckly. And I am balding. I wonder if I can ever get this shell of mine to match this beautiful person locked inside of me. The answer lies in how hard I want to work. The beauty that I want comes from God.  And though I haven't meant to, I have gotten wrapped up in changing my life without His help. I know that I need Him to do anything and I must work on that relationship before anything will work in my life.
So I lost 4 lbs this week for a total of 27 lbs in 7 weeks. I am 3 lbs away from my first goal. It is very exciting for me, but at the same time I know I slacked off in the couch to 5k thing this past week. I was very discouraged during the first workout of week 3 when I couldn't run the 3 min parts without stopping and breathing. I didn't go back again for 6 days. When I did I could run the first 3 min through and the second 3 mins. I had to stop and breathe. I was frustrated. But I am not giving up on this. This is something I have always wanted to do. And yes I make excuses and I get out of it. Just keep on me Mom. Annoy me make me mad, because that is what I need. I need to work on this. This week I have a new goal. I am going to do three c to 5k workouts, read my Bible everyday, and track my food. Please hold me accountable.
If that woman is bothering you, tell her to shut up! That through God you are beautiful. As a matter of fact there will never be a more beautiful you.

A Time for Change...

All I can say about this week is WOW! Last week I gained six pounds and was a little bit down about it, but as I figured I was retaining a lot of water. My doctor did decide to increase that medication so I would not be retaining much water. Also now since I am on week 3 of the c25k my legs are getting used to the running and don't seem near as sore (thus the inflammation and swelling is gone too). So I lost a total of 7 lbs this week. My six week total is 23 lbs. I weighed in on Monday and I was down to 278 but today I weighed 279. And I am OK with that. This journey is not always easy, I have seen some people try and give up, I have inspired people to try it out, and I have remained strong through many temptations.
The exercise amazes me. I have never really pushed my body the way I have been. Honestly the training is so intense for me because I am such a big chick. I sweat profusely. And this week is very hard because I have to run 3 minutes straight. Last night was my first training like that and I did try it but during my 3 min run I had to stop and breathe for about 30 seconds but I made it through the work out. I did a mile in 18:13 min. and I did 1.64 miles in 28 min. My time seems to improve every workout. It helps to have upbeat music and no interruptions. I am really looking forward to doing the Archer City Shortgrass Scamper in September and Race for the Cure in October. I have always wanted to be the runner instead of the walker and hopefully this year is the year to make it happen.
Not only has my lifestyle taken a change, but I am about to take a HUGE leap of faith in my life. I have decided to go back to college for my RN degree. What this means for me is the opportunity to make my life and my daughter's life better. It also gives me a chance to make this world a better place. My goal is to be a patient educator. I want to help people learn to control their illnesses and help them with their diets. This also mean that I have to leave a job that I love, and a family of friends and coworkers that I have been blessed to have for five years. It is a very heartbreaking situation for me. I do not like change, and I do not like uncertainty. Yesterday I was very upset about this change. I was fearful about not knowing what I was going to do, where I was going to get money to make it by and how I was supposed to everything that I needed to do. But today I have had peace about it. I know that God has this all under control. I also know that I am not saying goodbye to my friends and coworker family, I am just saying see ya soon. I know that they are all proud of me, that they believe in me, and that they will always be there for me.
This is all I got in me today. Thanks for reading.

Ouch!!

Well it wasn't good news for me, I stepped on the scale this morning anticipating to be in the 270's, but to my disappointment I had gained 6 lbs!  Now I am not going to say I was devastated...I was sad.  Sad that even though I haven't cheated at all, and I have been faithfully doing my couch to 5k program that I still gained the weight. Now logically speaking I am quite sure it is water retention. I read up on it. I read that when you are exercising your muscles get inflamed and cause swelling. Excessive heat causes swelling and water retention and honestly I have always had a problem with it. So hopefully next week I will lose!!
I know my mentality is changing. When I get on that treadmill to do my workout (this week it is walk 5 min, jog 1 min and 30 seconds, walk 2 min. repeat x6 and then 5 min cool down) I am so unsure of myself and my ability, but by the end of the work out I feel like I can conquer anything! Another change that I have noticed is that I can say no to myself. Today I was feeling a little bummed about the weight gain and my inner chick tried to convince me I would feel better if I had chocolate. I deserved the chocolate, I already gained six pounds what was a little chocolate going to hurt. Really sometimes I think I am crazy. I am standing in the store talking to myself (in my head I hope) and finally say just because I gained weight doesn't mean I need to cheat. I will just feel guilty if I do cheat and by cheating I am erasing all the hard work and effort I have already put in. I know it sounds crazy, but that has always been hard for me. I have always been able to come up with an excuse to not continue on and you have no idea how thrilled I am that I won that battle today. God is definitely working in me. A friend loaned me a wonderful book called "made to crave". That book has shown me a totally different outlook on food and that God can help us with all things.
Some people really do have a food addiction. I have a food addiction. I use food in ways that I know are wrong. I have a closet eating problem too. But I have gotten so much better about that. I don't feel hungry between meals now so I really don't have that problem anymore. But I do remember that the worse it got was digging food out of the trash can because it didn't need to be wasted. I hate that people waste food. It isn't like I am starving to death or anything. But food is very precious to me. Maybe it is because to some people it is a luxury. If we only knew how many people really didn't have food to eat in America we would be ashamed to waste food like we do. By using food in the wrong way, we end up exactly where I am, battling the long battle of weight loss. But admitting you have a problem and trying to do something to change it is what matters. You can't sit back and expect the skinny fair to wave her wand over you! You got to pull those big girl panties up, and be ready to commit yourself to the hardest thing you will ever do. Find a healthy eating program and get to moving! Now is your time!