I have been very blessed to have people who love and care about me. People who have loved me when there wasn't much to love. People who have loved me when I couldn't love myself. People that have loved me enough to tell me the truth. People that have never given up on me. For some reason, God blessed me with family that continually gives me support and encouragement. People who see that this will be worth it when all is said and done. He has given me family that believes in me. And trust me having that family support is wonderful and great, but it just gets me thinking....if my family loves me and cares about me, how much more is the love of God.
I have been slacking in the God department. I love God and I know that He is my savior. The problem is I just have a hard time staying faithful to Him. I am not as involved in church as I would like to be. My church is without a pastor. Financially it has been hard having the gas money to go out to church. Illness has plagued our family. It makes it hard to get out there on Sundays. I know it is an excuse. I just don't know if I am meant to be there anymore. I have a dream and vision for that church, but I just don't see it growing without a pastor. I just need to be in prayer about what God would have me do about the church situation. I want to be involved in a church and get Abby involved in a church but I have so many ties out there.Anyway I just need some prayer about that. Our little church needs prayer and if you know anyone interested in preaching or being a guest speaker send them our way!
Back to the being faithful to God. I think that I have finally discovered that nothing will work in this life unless I work on my relationship with God. I need to fall back into love with God. I need to put him first. If I don't put God first in my life it is going to continually go down hill. And to be quite honest with you all I am tired of struggling along...having no peace of mind...I am tired of the valley. I want to know that I have given this the best that I can. Which means I need God now more than ever. It also means that I need to make time for Him and everything else can wait. What I know will happen is everything in this world will go dim when I focus on Jesus. When I put my heart and soul into being a woman of God, God will meet my needs, He will give me the desires of my heart, and He will give me the love that I have desperately been searching for.
Thank you mom for your love and understanding, thank you Uncle Don and Aunt Vicky for your encouragement, blessings and assurance that it will get better, thank you my friends and family (u know who u are) for just being there, and mostly thank you for your prayers. God is working on me....I need Him more than ever. Thank you Jesus for loving me when I was nothing but an ugly, wretched, sinner that nailed you to a cross.Thank you for taking something broken and making it whole again.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
It is Complicated
It has been a long while since I took some time to keep you guys updated. I feel like if I am open and honest about everything going on in my life that I may disappoint you. And for some of you, you may think I am coming up with excuses. There are no excuses when you know you need to lose weight and be healthy, unless you have a food addiction.
After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.
After reading some of my blogs, especially the last few, I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You see I am not just a normal person. If you don't know me you wouldn't know that I battle depression, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, and a heart issue. Now the heart issue is not serious, but it is secondary to the hypothyroidism. But still I take medication for it and it does effect me during exercise sometimes. In August my whole world changed. I left my job of five years, I started college again, and I started a new job in a matter of days. I did not give myself any time to transition. I loved my job at CHC and was very sad to leave. I felt like I was leaving my family behind. It is not that same without them. Leaving there, or maybe just taking that big of change, threw me into depression. It just felt like my social life was over. All of my friends were there. I didn't really have friends outside of work. I felt alone. And I know it sounds stupid, but I am not good with change. I left my job on a Friday and started a new job on Monday and college on a Monday. With all that change, the depression, the fear of the unknown, it through me into some bad old habits. There was my comfort and solace sitting there in Dr. Pepper, chocolate, pizza, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, chips, etc. So I had a little extra money and enrolled in Weight Watchers. I thought maybe I would be able to do it and find some friends, or at least someone to be my accountability partner. I bought the stuff, but when I sat down to do my budget, I just could not afford the $40 a month. I do have all the weight watchers stuff though and I plan to use it. Just because I can't go to meetings or use their website, I can still do this. I can choose to eat healthy and I can choose to exercise. I know it isn't dropping 10 lbs a week, but if I can figure out why I am so addicted to food maybe I can move on and learn to cope in other ways. I have considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. But I don't think they have meetings here. I can however attend meetings through the telephone or over the Internet.
School was a big shock to me. I can't believe how much has changed since I graduated in 2006. I am finally getting adjusted though. I had to realize that I have to study...and study hard if I want good grades. Putting in that study time is hard. It is hard because I have been fighting depression, fatigue, and procrastination! But I have to take it slow, and take one thing at a time.
I am loving my new job. It is fun, exciting, and I get to be really creative. I love my coworkers! They crack me up! And it is nice to work with just a handful of people instead of hundreds. Though my job as a social activities coordinator I hope to be able to reach hundreds. We are looking into starting a new group for Jr high/high school aged kids with intellectual and developmental disorders. I went and talked to a group of students from Rider this week. It was fun to get to interact with them and tell them what I do. I also get to be a guest speaker this week at People First monthly meeting. Our Zumba class starts this week to. I am so privileged to serve this population of people. They make my job worth doing.
Well I hope I didn't disappoint you too much. I have only gained back 10 of that 30 lbs I lost doing the Atkins. I have exercised more this week. And hopefully I can talk Abby into taking fall photos today! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am just going to keep on swimming...swimming...swimming and doing the best that I can.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Finding Myself, Figuring It Out, and Depending on Faith
One would think that at my tender age of 32 I would have my life figured out. I don't. I will be the first to tell you that. But what I am finding out about myself may be able to touch a lot of people and help them to know they are not alone in this really crazy, scary world. At first this blog was meant to keep me accountable and to tell my weightloss tale. But now that I have messed up the weight loss tale part maybe it was meant to be more than that. I have been watching the A&E show "Heavy" on Netflix this week. It is another one of those great ,inspiring weight loss shows. It is a little different because they send people to a weight loss resort where they eat the right food, have trainers, have pyschologists, and they have everything that they need at their finger tips. And even some of these people, who have everything that they need right there, still fail. They still don't lose weight. They still have eating disorders. I know many people think that eating disorders are just like anorexia and bulimia, but there are many other disorders. You have food addicts, bingers, and people who eat just to eat. You have people that might have starved as children, so they horde food as adults. You have people that feel like they have no body so they use food as their friend, their comfort, their peace of mind, and their need fullfiller. To say that fat people just need to put down the fork and start moving will cure the obesity problem is ridiculous. The obesity problem is because people don't move as much as they should, they have unhealthy relationships with food, and because healthy food is so much more expensive than unhealthy food. Not to mention that all food is really expensive now anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is even though I have gained back 10 lbs. I have not failed yet. The only way that I can fail is if I let the eating disorder thing that I have win. The only way I have failed is if I don't keep trying. So the Atkins thing did not work for me at this time in my life. I have to find something that will. I may need something more extensive. I need something that can make me accountable. I am strongly leaning towards Weight Watchers. I know it is expensive. But when I figure how much junk I buy on the side every week it equals out to about the 10 dollars a week I would be spending on junk. And like school if I am really paying for it I won't want to pay that much money and fail.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.
Now as for exercise I have not been doing what I had envisioned myself to do. I anticipated running a 5k on September 17. I did not do that. I was sick. But I did not plan to do it two weeks ahead of time. I can make up a lot of good excuses as to why, but there is no point in wasting the space. I do plan to walk/jog the Race for the Cure in October. And I am thinking about doing the Zombie Crawl at the end of September. So I am going to try and get myself active on that plan again. If anyone knows a personal trainer that would like to take on a tough case (me) and doesn't cost a fortune let me know.
I have been having a lot of doubts with my salvation and with my relationship with God. Sometimes I think that we complicate things and don't understand how and why our God is so loving and merciful to us. I have had some marvelous friends and family send me words of encouragement about this and also remind me that NOTHING can take me away from God's hand. I think that sometimes we turn on God and we don't see Him in anything that we do. We feel alone and deserted, sometimes guilt ridden, sometimes ashamed, sometimes even mad and we don't understand how to get over those feelings. So many times different people have told me that if you continue to sin you are not a Christian. People have told me that if you are stuck in the same sin and do it over and over and over again that God turns His back on you. One time a person said that our friend died because God was tired of watching them sin against Him and took His life. But I believe that God is not the one that turned away I did. I believe that some people do struggle with a sin in their life. It could be lying, stealing, gluttony, gossip, or murder. But I believe a sin is a sin. God does not have sin in the first, second or third degree. I also believe that God is bigger than all the sin in the world. God thru Jesus has overcome this world. He is powerful and mighty and He is fully capable of saving me from eternal hell. He is fully capable of saving us all. I am a SINNER saved by God's grace. I am forgiven and not perfect. I will rest in Him. When I am burdened by the thoughts of this world, only He can bring me comfort and peace. I have hope that there is a better day coming. Remember God wants us to have simple childlike faith. Stop making everything so complicated. Stop putting obstacles between you and God. Just be still and know He is right there waiting for you.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Never too late to get back up again...
Wow I have let myself down and I have let those I have inspired down. But I am not perfect and no one has ever had a perfect journey except Jesus. I have pretty much threw the towel in on the atkins diet. Now I know that it works on me and for me, but I also know that I don't have that much money in my food budget. And I have to be honest and real with myself. I could have done it, but I don't know if I could have lived that way forever. I am just going to try the old fashioned way. Measure stuff, exercising, and see what happens. I wish that it would all just magically fall off, but I know that I didn't gain all this weight in a day and I am not going lose it all in a short period of time. So bear with me. Help me. Encourage me.
I have gained back 11 lbs so far. I really don't want to gain back anymore. Things have been so crazy it is no wonder I turned to food. But I know it isn't healthy to turn to food and I know better. Sometime I feel like it is all I have. Anyway I am taking medicine and going to bed I have an awful sinus infection and upper respiratory thing going on and it is hard to breathe. Just know that I need your support and guidance..
I have gained back 11 lbs so far. I really don't want to gain back anymore. Things have been so crazy it is no wonder I turned to food. But I know it isn't healthy to turn to food and I know better. Sometime I feel like it is all I have. Anyway I am taking medicine and going to bed I have an awful sinus infection and upper respiratory thing going on and it is hard to breathe. Just know that I need your support and guidance..
Friday, August 26, 2011
It feels like failure...unavoidable but still failing
Now I am really just blurting out some of the thoughts running in my mind. I am not sure if it is because we changed the horomone replacement that I was taking, if it is the stress of all the changes that have been made, if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if it is because I feel lost, but I have totally and completely fallen off the wagon. It is almost like I am on a binging spree. I don't know how to explain it, but to put it bluntly I can't afford to buy the foods that I need to have to keep me on my diet so I just eat what I can afford. I eat what I see. I don't stop eating until I feel like I am going to puke. I am eating because I need to feel better. I feel so lost and frustrated and then guilty and angry.It is frustrating to me. It burdens me. It makes me feel like maybe this whole dumb idea of going back to school was stupid. Really dumping a full time job for a part time one and a full blown school schedule. I am confused because I don't know about this part time job. Maybe I jumped in too soon trying to find one so I could feel better about just going to school. It is a little overwhelming. I need to put in like 20 hours of studying for just two of my courses but I have no energy or anything. I feel the depression taking a toll on me and I am on my medication, but either the horomones that I started taking are making me crazier or I need a higher dosage. I am not trying to sound scary to anyone I just can't keep these crazy thoughts in my head. I don't know what to do. And maybe I am just overwhelmed because it is the first week and I have had to work a lot trying to figure out what my new job is. I know i have got to figure something out soon though. <3 yall!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I Cheated...
So I haven't written in a while, I guess because I didn't want to have to admit to the world I failed. I cheated on my diet. Not only once but twice. And I can honestly say I don't even know what I was thinking. But last Friday and Saturday I went totally carb crazy. Got back on the wagon on Sunday t but only to turn around on Friday and cheat again! I do know why I did though. I know that this Friday it was just an overwhelmingly emotional day and I didn't give my cares or worries to God I took comfort in food. I know that to some people that it sounds so crazy. But if you have been dependant on food for so long sometimes it is hard to say no to the comfort it give you. Anyway I did manage to lose 4 lbs (3 of which I had gained last week!) but I have lost 34 total pounds.
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!
Here is my 34 lbs less pic!
Today I did a mock 5k and it took me an hour and ten minutes. Not the time I wanted but it was totally different running outside than it is on the treadmill. The point is I did make it and made it better than the 16 year old nephew that kept whining!! I am not throwing the towel in. I just need to put my faith and trust into God and go to Him for the answers! He has been wonderful and the only way I have stayed strong for this long. It just goes to show you that when you stop depending on God and think you can handle everything on your own you tend to mess it up!
I really feel like I am just wandering around in my relationship with God. Our church is without a pastor and the future isn't looking good there. I just pray that God tells us what to do in that matter. Also many of our people have been so sick and haven't been able to make it to church or they are financially burdened and haven't been able to afford the gas. I definitely miss the church fellowship. Not sure what to do about that.
Tomorrow I start school again!! I am excited and scared all at the same time. I hope it will be a good day and I really hope I am ready. Then Tuesday I start my new job as a social activity coordinator for the Association of Retarded Citizens. I have some ideas for activities but if any of you guys have suggestions feel free to send them my way! I know this is rambling today but I just can't focus. My baby is starting 1st grade tomorrow, I am starting school, I had an incredibly fun weekend, I met a nice guy, and I danced so much Friday night that my legs and hips are still sore!! It is time to go now but I know I have to keep y'all updated!!
Here is my 34 lbs less pic!
I am looking curvy in this picture and so proud that my butt fit in these pants and actually look like a butt and not a pancake!!! :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
Change is good...Right?
It seems as though time is going by super fast and I am not ready for all the changes that are to begin. Major change in schedules, leaving a job I have had for 5 years, going to school, the kids going to school, trying to them ready for school, high light bills, trying to lose weight, trying to run, trying to stay sane with God in my heart, my mom's mystery sickness, unsure about finances, and I guess if I thought about it much longer I could think of little stuff all day that overwhelms me. I find these changes scary, uncomfortable, and I just really fear loneliness.
I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.
I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.
The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.
I have always been a pretty isolated woman. I do not really trust people anymore. My walls have been built up to protect myself. I am not stupid, I do know that if I want to not be isolated that I do have to let people in. For the last few years most of my time has been spent taking care of my family, working, and then socializing with people that I work with. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't have very many friends that I trust outside of work. When I leave this job, I hope that we will be able maintain our friendships, but at the same time I understand that once someone is gone you don't have time to stay in contact or keep in touch. I also know that going to school and working part-time I am bound to make new friends. But for myself once I get attached to someone I don't like to let go. If I allowed you that close to me then you must be pretty special.
I am very excited about going back to school. I believe it is going to be challenging, but I also believe that this is one way to secure a future for me and Abby. I hope that one day I will not have to struggle so much with finances. It is so very hard sometimes to admit to myself that I can't do what other parents can do for their children. It is also sad to hear my daughter say "One day when we are rich mommy we can go do this...". It really makes you feel like you have disappointed your child. I take comfort in the fact that although I can not buy her everything that she wants, she gets all the love she needs. We may not have much, but we have each other. That is important. If I take a look at all the times I was in need, God supplied what was needed. It is when our minds get clouded that we start feeling sorry for ourselves or our situation, when we should be earnestly praying for a way to meet those needs.
The lifestyle change seems to be at a standstill. I have been trying to eat right, but I know that I have to start tracking my food. It is very hard to make yourself write down everything that you eat and drink. Then you have to take the time to calculate and see where you are. It also takes time to exercise. Now I am considering trying to run/jog/walk everyday instead of every other day. I fear that although I am signing up for a 5k on September 17, 2011 that I am not going to be able to complete it like I want to. I gained two pounds this week and was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have had a lot going on though and next week should be better. Trying to lose weight is hard, but it can be done. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight then I guess I am in for the long haul. I just need to learn to embrace and accept the changing days of my life.
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