2014 The Year Of Transformation...

I have said this many times in my life. It is time for a change. I am tired of being fat, I am tired of being tired, I am tired of living, and I am just going to accept that I am this or that. But this year, I have a great feeling that this is going to be my year. Let me tell you about one of the most exciting things that is going to happen this year: I will be done with nursing school in May. Now that being said, I know I will still have to find a nursing job and pass nursing boards, but you may not know how big of a sacrifice RN school has been and is. But in order for me to be the best nurse, person, mom, daughter, sister, and friend I can be I have to take care of this body. This is an entry into my journal after my first week of healthy eating and exercise:

" Well you have made it the whole week! You have been exercising and counting calories and are down 6 pounds. In your head you know that it is a good number, but in your heart you are wondering if this is really the time that it will work. You have got to stop doubting yourself! You are preparing to do your weight loss journey. You know that output has to be greater than what you are putting in. You know that on your own this will be like every other time...a failure. Try challenging yourself. Mind, body, and soul need a change. Focus on God. When your mind is focused on God and you are putting in an effort to pray and read His word your mindset will change. God wants all of you. Your soul needs the peace and joy that only He can give. Though food has taken control of your life, you have got to give it up! Yes you need food to live, but it doesn't have to control you. God wants your body-He lives in you- are you giving Him your best? NO you are not. Let go of all those past failures, the excess baggage, and the disappointments. You have a brand new life waiting for you. This year 2014 can be the year that you make permanent changes. You are ready for this. Love, Yourself"

Well now that the cat is out of the bag. I have a food problem. Yes I do. I know I do. But I started this online bible study called Made to Crave. I wrote this journal entry right before I started the OBS on the 19th. Doing my homework on it this week made me see that God was preparing me for this journey. I was already ready to start honoring God with my mind, body and soul. Going to church this morning and hearing the sermon on Romans 12 just confirmed that I have to honor God with my whole self. He gave himself for me. I should be willing to give myself to Him. Many people are going to embark on a weight loss journey. I don't know what their reasons are, but mine is just to be the best that I can be. My plan is simple. Watch my calorie intake and move more. It is working for me. The fitbit has been a wonderful tool for me. I get to see what I am eating...and see what I am burning off and where I can improve.
I jogged/walked my first 5k yesterday. I had so many mixed emotions on my way there. I hadn't really trained enough for it. I didn't really have the proper shoes. And when I first got there I felt like a cow in a herd of flamingos. But it didn't stop me. I started off jogging and jogged as far as I could..probably a quarter of a mile. Then I was speed walking. I was so thirsty when I got to the mile mark that I thought I was going to die. I was listening to my workout music which pretty much consists of Mandisa, Jamie Grace, Mercy Me, and Toby Mac. Trying to just keep up a good pace because I wanted to make it in a hour. Get to about a mile and half and they have a dixie cup of water for us to drink. I wanted to put my head under the five gallon spout and drink up but took my water instead. This is where mentally it got hard for me. I wanted to burst out in tears. Like I felt the tears coming, but stuffled them down.  First, I was overwhelmed that I was actually doing it. Secondly, I borrowed a pair of shoes cause my regular pair were tore up. My feet were killing me. My side was hurting. Thirdly, I was alone and left to my negative thoughts. Thinking that I was stupid for signing up for this, I was going to be the slowest person there, I wasn't good enough, and I should just give up and take the short cut back. I looked up and ahead of me and saw this man and his son. This man was older and bigger than me. He didn't give up. He hardly walked. He jogged most of the way. He inspired me to keep going. Though I had inspiration from this man, I did get to the point where I started praying. I was a little past the mile 2 mark by this point. My feet hurt, I knew I had a blister on my heel, I wasn't breathing the right way, and I was tired. I just told God that I couldn't make it on my own. There was no way I could make it back without Him. I can't move another step without you carrying me. Then I started jogging and it wasn't as painful. I got to the corner and walked a little more. Mandisa's Overcomer song came on and I started jogging the last half mile. My friend Anita met me half way and finished up with me. But I know the only way I finished that 5k was by God himself carrying me and giving me the strength to do it. I made it across the finish line in 50 minutes and 32 seconds. I wanted to cry then because I had beat my time and because it was over!
I know to many of you it does sound cheesy to bother God with stuff like diet and exercise. But you know what, God cares about it. God care about what we do to our bodies, and He expects us to take care of them. It is my goal this year to be the best I can be for Him...and only Him.

This is before the race and with my encourager, Anita!

This is after the race and with my encourager, Anita. My eye is certainly funky!!

Lies I tell myself...

Single parenting is hard. It is hard emotionally, physically, financially, and no one understands unless that have been there. I am learning that I have probably not been the best parent to my child because of all the emotional baggage I carried around from my relationship with her father. My self esteem and self worth have been very low, and I don't want my daughter to deal with those issues. I want her to have a happy, healthy relationship with both of her parents. I want her to not feel like she is in the middle. I don't want her to worry about hurting one of us, if she likes the other one. But most of all, I want her parents to work together to provide her with stability. I want us to have the same rules. I want her to know she is loved by both parents. I just do not know how to make that happen.

It started on Wednesday. I was looking at the baby section of the store trying to find a baby outfit for Abby to give her baby brother. Using her allowance money, she wanted to get her new brother something special. That is when I started re-living my past. That is where the root of envy began. That is where I threw everything that I know is true and right about myself out the window. 

You see I could tell you over and over again that I wasn't jealous of Abby's dad and girlfriend, I could say it didn't hurt, and I could say that it is their life it doesn't affect me. But every single bit of those statements were a big lie. I did realize (today in fact), that I was envious of Abby's dad and girlfriend. For one they just had a baby, and I can never have another one. Another reason, they have each other to raise a baby with, they are not doing it on their own. And probably the reason that really bothers me the most is why wasn't I good enough to stay with when I had his baby? He never gave us a chance. And because I don't have an answer to that question I think that I will wonder about it until I realize that the problem was not with me, it was with him. I was really excited for Abby's dad and his girlfriend to find out about parenting. Thinking finally he will see what I went through by myself. But now I know he won't ever realize it because he has someone helping him!

The baggage that I decided to pick back up brought all that pain and hurt to the surface again. Part of me is truly scared that Abby will want to leave me to live with her dad because he has a normal family. They have the money, the house, the cars, the material things and I just have me. I have struggled since I have had her to do the best for her that I can, but I can't give her what they can. Another part of me knows that she loves me and she is learning how to love others because of what I have taught her. She knows that even if we don't have much, we have each other. She knows that she has a mom who isn't afraid to act silly, play barbies, and spend time with her. She sees me as her momma. She doesn't feel the same way about her dad. She is afraid of him.

 Another piece of that baggage, is the way I feel about me. I have cried and sobbed wondering why I wasn't good enough to be loved.  Why at 34 years old I have never been in a realtionship where I was "in love". I have been in relationships where I loved someone, but not in a relationship where they loved me back. I don't know what that feels like. I don't understand why so many other people find it and give up on it, and people like me never get it. I am beginning to understand that in order to be loved, you have to open yourself up and accept it. There is no greater love than the love of God. I want to start focusing on who I am in Him, and the love that He has for me. God doesn't want me to hate myself. God doesn't want me to envy others. God wants me to give Him those heavy burdens. He wants me for me, just as I am. He loves me warts and all. 

It seems that as I try to draw nearer to God, Satan tries throw this stuff in my face. One day I will be strong enough to say I am done with heavy load. You can have it. Me and God have something bigger and better. 

The Investment of a Lifetime

For the longest time I have only been able to see the struggle of life. You know the struggle of making it through each day, the Monday morning wake ups, the kids fighting,and arguing about what to have for dinner. Sometimes it was just a struggle to keep one foot in front of the other. Some days you are ready to give up and other days they are just great. But it is all part of the battle of life. 
I have been a Christian since I was 15 years old. And I have been a backslider for many years. I wasted so much time trying to be something and someone that God knew I couldn't be. I am not sure why things work as they do, but God knows. I am not sure why until about two months ago I didn't realize that God through Jesus has forgiven me for everything in my past, all my sins now, and all the sins I have yet to commit. God knows that His son was the only perfect person. He desires for me to strive to be like His precious son, but knows that I will fall short. But the biggest thing that I didn't realize 19 years ago was that every single day I have to make the commitment to follow Jesus. I have to make the time to seek His face. I can't just say that I am a Christian and go on my merry little way doing whatever I want. Trust me it didn't work well for me!! So I am learning as I invest my time in Him, that the struggle isn't quite as hard. I have joy and peace that I haven't had in a long time.
Not only spiritually, but God has made me strong physically. I have physically done things that I didn't know I was capable of, but the way I made it through was by praying for the strength. I have a long ways to go both in my spiritual life and physical life, but now I know that as long as I am investing in the right things (God, reading the word, prayer) God will take care of the rest. 
I encourage you if you are struggling with life, to just let go of that burden. Invest your energy into not carrying around the burdens of life,but to telling God about those burdens. Turn them over to the one that can do something about it. Remember if there is nothing you can do about it, then don't worry about it. Give it to God and pray for peace. And no matter how tempted you are do not take it back and start worrying about it again. God tells us to come to Him when we are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest. That is the truth my friends. Invest your time and energy in God and see what He can do. I guarantee it is the best investment you will ever make! 

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14

One Way Road

The other day I had a thought cross through my mind. Being the stubborn, hard headed person that I can sometimes be, I have found myself traveling down a one way road the wrong way. I have not listened when others tried to tell me you might want to turn around now. You see when I took a poll of my Facebook friends I found out that everyone would rather be told to turn around than to have a head on collision. But if it were not a literal road that you were driving on, but a spiritual road would the answer be the same?
I have only literally driven down a one way road one time. My best friend was with me and we couldn't quite figure out why cars were waving at us and honking and then it clicked in my head I must be going the wrong way. However, spiritually I have been going down the road the wrong way, have been on the wrong road, and ended up in the wrong place, too many times. Too many times I did not listen to the warnings that friends, families, and even God tried to give me. I believe that I didn't listen because I might have felt they were judging me instead of loving me, because I am one of those people that has to do it myself to find out if it hurts (not so much anymore), and because I was rebelling. 
Matthew 7:13-14 states:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Looks like we have a narrow road, and a wide road. I feel like many people Christians and non-Christians find themselves on that wide road. We want to be loving and accepting, but we also want to stand up for injustice. We want to go to church, but as long as we teach about how good we are and hear no gloom and doom. We want to leave church every Sunday for our weekly dose of God and hope it lasts throughout the week. We want God in our lives, but only when it is convenient or when we need something. We can give God two hours a week, but not a piece of our time every day. I am guilty of this. I miss the days of conviction in church. I miss preachers that aren't afraid to tell the truth. The truth hurts! Love sometimes hurts, too. I can't live thinking that no matter what I do everything is going to be nice and peachy with God. It isn't okay. I am grateful and thankful that I have God in my life, that I have accepted him as my Savior, and I know that He has forgiven me for my sins, but I look out into a world that thinks that everything is alright. I am trying to warn people about the wrong way. But my example has not been perfect. According to those who don't believe I am a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites. 
Isaiah 59:8 states:
"The way of peace they do not know; there is no justice in their paths. They have turned them into crooked roads; no one who walks among them will know peace."
Our world is a scary place to be. It looks like we will never have peace. Thankfully if you have Jesus in your life you will know some peace. You have hope for an eternal future. But if not you will be dealing with the turmoil and fear from now on. Don't ignore the warning signs. Listen to your family and friends. Be accountable to one another. If you see your friend straying try to bring them back in. And constantly pray for this world we live in and the people who are in it. Lord knows we all need a fresh start!! 

If it were only...

I know today is Thanksgiving. I know I have a ton to be thankful for. Throughout this day though I have focused on where I thought I would be. I have had a little pity party. I have a little depression going on. I know that there are people who have it way worse off than me, but I know a whole lot of people who have it better.
 In high school I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mommy. Well that "dream" didn't pan out. Maybe that dream didn't pan out because 1) I didn't wait for the right guy, 2) I took matters in my own hands, or 3) it wasn't meant to. So life moves on and I do get to have a sweet baby. It wasn't planned. I wasn't married. I had just decided to end things with her dad before I found out I was pregnant. So I am a single mom. There are tons of them. Tons of them because divorce, death, and choices. I wanted to be with her dad for her sake, and because I thought it would be best for her. I loved him, or I thought I did. He went away to the military and didn't want us with him. We wrote letters, there were empty promises, yearly visits, and I thought for sure when he got out of the army we would be together. I even looked a wedding dresses. But it wasn't meant to be. We had two different lifestyles. It was more important to party, drink, and be with homeboys than to see his daughter. She was my priority. I really dislike him for dragging me through all of that. He found love. He found marriage and now he has a baby in the baby carriage. (well not really it is in her momma's tummy) And though I can't say I am jealous, I just feel it is so unfair! And maybe it is jealousy in some weird way. I feel so enraged that he has a chance to have a planned baby with his wife, and here I am never to experience it. I will never be able to have a baby again. And maybe that is what hurts the most. I wanted more than one child, but endometriosis, adhesions, and precancer took that away. I feel happy that he will finally be able to experience what it is like to be a full time parent. 
I feel scared for Abby, because what if he doesn't make the time to spend with her. What if she wants to live with them? What if I lose the only thing I ever wanted? I guess that is what hurts the most, the thought of her choosing them over me. I don't have much to offer her. I have love, and being there for her on my side. They have the material things. I need to face the facts that at least for another year and half, I am a broke college student. I am barely making it. I have had to borrow money from people to pay bills, buy food, and put gas in my car. I can't buy a toy everytime we go to the store. I can't always buy her favorite snacks. I can't afford soccer, dance, or gymnastics. I can't afford much of anything. Yes, right now it hurts and the tears flow, but there will be joy someday. It may not be in husband, or material things, but it will be in caring for other people, doing what I can for others, and always taking the time out to love others. I am good at that. I thank God for plan b, c, d, and all the other plans that He has when we mess it all up. I know that one day all of these struggles will be worth it. 

Seeking

I had it on my heart to write tonight. I wasn't sure what the topic could be about. Just random thoughts but then it hit me. How when I was a child, I wanted to be grow up so fast. And how when I first became God's child, I grew up too fast. You see when I first met Jesus I was fifteen years old. I asked my mom one day why we didn't ever go to church. And I asked if we could go. That was just the beginning. I am not sure why God does stuff the way He does but when I was first saved I was on fire for God. I was witnessing to others, got my best friend to come to church, got people from my job to come to church and I felt I was really called by God to serve Him. Little did I know, that chaos was going to hit so soon. I remember sitting in the pews at church and listening to guest speakers come and talk about their testimonies. I looked at my best friend and said wow they have an awesome testimony, sure wish I had one. I really wish I would have kept my mouth shut that day!! 
Our testimonies can't just stop the day we accept Jesus into our hearts. I think that it must continue on everyday until He calls us home. Some things  I have had to learn the hard way. I have been down in  the valley too many times. Most of those times have been when I have chosen to sin instead of follow God. I believe that we are sinners saved by grace, not a single one except Jesus was perfect, and God is love. God loves us unconditionally. But I am not so dim witted to believe that God doesn't see my sin. God does discipline me. God is molding us everyday into what He wants us to be. God wants us to depend on Him for EVERY need. In the past few years, I have put myself into situations where I really needed things. Prayed for them, had to lose some pride for them, but always God met those needs. God has so much for us if we just seek Him. He looks past the mask you put up daily to make everything appear alright. He sees the tears that are crying on  the inside while outside  you are smiling. He is trying to hold you close, but you keep running away. 
I have been there. I have wondered if I have lost my relationship with God. I have doubted if I was ever saved. I have allowed the devil to deceive me and make me a bad witness. But always when I am at the lowest point I hear that voice tugging at my heart. I just have been the unfaithful one. Over and over again have I been unfaithful. But here I am again trying and seeking. I know that without God I could not have made it this far. Without God I don't even know  if I would be here still. Sounds a little dramatic. But I have been to the point of wanting to commit  suicide before. That isn't something you want to admit. But quite honestly tons of people are doing that everyday. They have no hope. Thank God that I had hope it could be better. Thank God I was surrounded by people who understood and weren't judgmental. And I will say it, Thank God for medication. God warned us that when we follow Him the road is narrow and hard to follow sometimes. But at the end is the great reward. Sometimes all we can do is read, trust, pray and just keep on seeking. 


Chorus to Undo by Rush of Fools
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only oneWho can undo what I've become 

Finally, I am finally writing again...

As a little girl, I loved reading and writing. I always thought that writing was an outlet of sorts and that I could let my imagination run rampant. I could have whatever my desire was when I was writing. I could make the story happy or sad. And as I have been going through life's struggles I realized that I just don't take the time I used to and write it all out. You know there are some things you just don't ever want to tell another person. But a piece of paper isn't going to tell on you. Well, unless you leave it in plain sight. But for me writing is an outlet. So as I have been going through this crazy journey called life I have realized that I really missed writing. So I had to go through finding my blog and where I had left off. Amazingly God is still working on me. So I just want to throw some thoughts out there and see what feedback I get. 
Many of you taking the time out of your day to read this will hopefully give me some feedback. It is about mental illness. As a Christian, if you are suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or any other thing) should you not take medication and just pray that God will take it away, or should you take medication? I have had a few discussions on this topic with a variety of people, and I think it boils down to whether or not you have ever dealt with the illness yourself, or if you just have the notion that it is just in your head. For me personally, I suffer from depression. I happily take my medication. I don't refer to them as my happy pills because sometimes I am just not happy. I do not believe that I am trusting in medication more than I trust in God. I also do not believe that if I prayed harder, or did more that I wouldn't have this illness. I believe that God made me special, with all my problems, imperfections, and that He knows best. He provided me with a physician who knows what is going on and He made pharmaceutical medication to make me feel better.  On the same note, I understand that some people do not believe this way. I understand that they think it is all in my head. I wonder though, is high blood pressure in my head? Is hypothyroidism in my head? Is diabetes in my mom's and brother's heads? Well, duh no of course not!! It is a real diagnosis.  My depression is real. I wouldn't fake it. It costs me too much to fake. It causes me to hurt those I love sometimes. I don't mean it, but I say things that I shouldn't, I am exhausted a lot, I cry for no reason, I get mad for no reason, I don't talk, I yell, and I just plain don't like me. I am so thankful that I don't live everyday like that. But if I didn't have God in my life, and my medication, I would. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't judge your brother or sister for their choices, either way. You have to do what is best for you and that my friends is between you and God. 
Another thing that I have been working on is my relationship with God. You see I have been in this off again on again relationship with God. I am so very blessed and lucky that He is such a patient and understanding God. I had written an email to my youth director last week begging for prayer. I was at my wits end and asked doesn't God ever get tired of my wish washy self??!!  She replied back and I replied back but she finally got through to me.... "Wanting and doing are two different things and only one of those brings results, but the rewards are great when you choose rightly."  If I wanted to get close to God I had to do something. See that is the great thing about God. He works on you, He waits for you, He is there for you, and He watches over you, but He never ever forces himself upon you. You have to choose Him. I have seen where I have went wrong in my life by not choosing Him in everything. I am trying to be more conscious of my time. I am praying, and I am reading. And see the more I am trying, the harder the devil is trying to make it for me. But I have a secret...the devil is not holding me down anymore. I am done with his lies. That doesn't make me any better than the next person, just lucky enough now to see where I have went wrong and how I can make it better. You see because everyday is a new journey. We have the choice of where we want to go on that journey, who we are going with, and what we are going to do to make a difference. 
So I have kind of not been feeling well lately, and I know it is because I have been stupid with my medical illness issues. I also know that many other single parents are out there and have to make hard choices sometimes concerning their health. But today I went to the doctor and I went out feeling about a zillion times better. My medication was going to cost me $369 this month. There was no way I could afford it. My doctor switched one of my medications to name brand because the generic was not working but then I found out it was $50 a month and that was not do able at the time. So I just didn't take it. Yes, you have my permission to call me stupid...it is thyroid medicine. So I have been off and on sick but the last three or four days I have been like crazy moody, crying, throwing up, head aching, dizzy, and sleepy. Yesterday at work it gets hard to breathe and I am crying for no reason so I went to the ER. My thyroid is supposed to be between .45 and 4.5 and mine is 53.5. Needless to say thyroid medicine is soon to be back in the cabinet. Like tomorrow. And me and my doctor found a way to get all the medicine I take for $20 a month for HBP and Depression and $20 for three months for thyroid and water pill. So I can afford that and am so very thankful God gave me such a great provider!! 
I am really kind of sad that I won't get to go see my family this weekend. But I know that if it were meant to be it would be. I just am very blessed to have a loving family! And extended family, and friends that are like family. :) I was talking to my friends from the clinic today and they were saying something about another shining example of what happens when you leave the clinic. But I do have to say, it is lonely out here. You miss your friends every single day. You miss being about to just see their faces or hear their voices. You even miss the people that annoyed you the most. You get lost in the shuffle. It is okay and that is how life works, but some of you people I just love and want you to know that I am crazy about ya'll!! And for my new friends that I have met over just one year of school...I am crazy about you too! God has brought you all into my life either to show how not to be a crazy lunatic or to see that you can be crazy and still survive.